That thin red line

So at what point is one “stalking” a new friend? Where’s the limit between being too careful, and wanting to hang out too much? I’ve always figured that whatever feels natural is the right way to go, but since I’m all over the place (but in the balanced) with what my “normal” is, I’m don’t trust my instincts.

Meh, I’ll just have to do what’s natural for me, and hopefully the new friends I make can accept it as it is. I really have to stop thinking about it and be confident enough to not doubt my own being.

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The strength of having friends

It’s remarkable what a difference a friend can make. I had forgotten how good they were to have. For the past few years I feel like I’ve had to rely on myself, my hubby, and my parents, with no real outer connections that I felt I could rely on. Not to say that I haven’t had friends, but everybody’s been so busy with their own thing (which is fine, that’s life after all, I guess), that I haven’t felt like I’ve had any true friends that I felt comfortable with just calling out of the blue unless I had big plans that gathered all of them, and where they all had about a month to plan ahead. I’ve been hungering for a sense of belonging. It’s why I’ve missed my home town so much.

It’s a little different now. I still miss my friends back home, because they’ve been around so long, and I can rely on them, and I belong, while these new ones are, well, new. Lets see how long this feeling of belonging lasts.

Either way, I’m getting to meet some of them next week on ones of these planned “events”, and at the end of the month I’m meeting the rest of them in my home town. Very much looking forward to it.

Hello, I’m the Hulk

Haven’t felt this aggressive in who knows how long. I feel like a bomb that’s about to blow and I’m shaking slightly just trying to control it. Why? Because I’m so immensely frustrated right now. I want to drink, I want to smoke, I want to wreak some havoc… It’s like having something in me that’s scratching to come out, pushing to coming out, all the while I have to act at being the “good girl”. It’s like putting a nice pink dress on a wild child that knows no boundaries and asking it to sit and be quiet while the grown ups talk.

Worst part is I have no idea how to feel about it. Part of me just wants to finally let it loose and damn all consequences, while the other knows I shouldn’t. Freud’s superego and id having a go at it (quite physically I might ad) in my head, with one rapidly loosing energy.

God I sound like a crazy person. Maybe I am a crazy person. Ok fine, to be crass I AM a crazy person, but I’m afraid that its getting out of control. Which is itself an enormous frustration, because I want a solution, a fix, something I can do to ease it, like I’ve been doing for years, and what I was hoping for by medicating. How can one control something that’s getting out of control? That sentence is contradictive all on its own.

Quite remarkable how a tiny conversation with a stranger about nothing, can pull out of overwhelming darkness to a state more tolerable and manageable. Proves to show what a difference a friendly face can make. I guess that’s why it’s always been so important for me to try to smile and friendly, no matter how I feel inside. More often than not it makes my days more tolerable (ever notice how the action can influence the mood, just as the mood can influence ones actions?), and one never knows what the person one meets is going through so maybe, just maybe, an extra smile has made their day more tolerable as well. I think it’s one of the reasons for why I usually like talking to strangers. We have no prior knowledge of each other, so it makes it easier to, for a moment, pretend.

This time however, I wasn’t quite ready for happiness, so yet again I’ve disappointed myself by not being able to just be constant in my mood. Strange that. Not feeling quite so dark, and being annoyed about it, but disappointment isn’t a very good feeling either.

The relationship with my head

If you’ve ever been heart broken, you know how it feels to be depressed, except in the case depression, it’s just there. It’s my own head that’s causing the heart break, not really giving me a chance to get some space, or get some temporary distractions with other brains.

Well… I guess I’m getting a temporary distraction when I get manic (if that is what it is), but that’s just like getting a passionate one night stand with that guy one’s had a crush on in forever, filled with false hopes, only to wake up alone the next day.

At least bad taste in men and bad relationships is a (admittedly difficult) habit that one can work on. How does one deal with this ever ending cycle when it’s not a bad habit, but ones hard wiring?

Crazy thing is I’d rather have a feeling of perpetual heart break rather than getting a night of passion filled with false hopes. I managed years of just being having some kind of lighter depression with bouts of heavier periods. At least it was constant. Living with no hope was better than this. Everything has to be better than this.

So tired and I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve messed up my sleeping habits and am super tired as a result of that as well.

I guess I’m doing what so many say after a heart break; “never again! I’d rather be single!”.