Knock on wood, but I think I’ve finally found a way of training that fits me. Since realising that it was only about 5.5 km home from work, and since running the towns annual 10k run (and actually managing to jog lightly the whole way!) I’ve started running home from work. I’ve only done it a few times but so far I’ve been getting restless in the days between because I’m pining for the next run, and today I was thinking about working from home and then decided against it just because I didn’t want to miss out on a run. This is very new to me, I think. Maybe not (I do have a habit of getting really excited about things only to just drop it because I get bored). None the less, knock on would that I keep enjoying this!
Man, I hate being sick. I’m getting restless because I haven’t gone running all week. Just been eating candy and snacks for comfort instead.
For the past few days I’ve been feeling very unimpressed by my life… Hmm that’s probably the wrong way to put it. I mean that I’m not liking the person I’ve been the past few days. I’m eating too much, I’ve lost good habits, I’m not spontaneous enough, I’m uninvolved at work, I’m tired, I’m bored.
I guess the correct sentence is that I’m unimpressed by me.
Hmm.. Maybe that’s not quite true either…
Something in my environment is making me feel like I’m not good enough as is, as well as me not treating my body quite well enough.
Anyway, I’m having motivational issues because I just can’t seem to gather enough “fun-happy-joy” feelings to actually do something productive. Just the thought of it makes me tired, making me inactive, making me sleepy.
Bad circle that.
Wow, I hadn’t realised how long my last post was. Because I write my blogposts using my phone, I don’t really get a feel for how much I’m writing! There’s more to be said as well (I guess there’s a reason for why I want to write a book about it), but since I was going to try and avoid writing super long posts like the last one I am, as you’ve surely noticed, trying to divide it up as best as possible, and in my own speed, meaning that the explanations and descriptions won’t come right after one another. So, you can breath out because I’m way too worn out today to talk deep.
Why you ask? Because we’ve finally moved to our new apartment! Whatever training I missed out because of my being sick, I think I regained during the move. By the time we went to bed our feet were killing us and our legs were weak. As I told B, being on our feet almost all day like we did, reminded me of the days I worked as a waitress, and how good it felt to come home and put the pressure of my feet. Nowadays B and I both have office jobs, so our feet are just not used to it anymore.
Today, my shoulders also feel like I’ve had the most effective training one can ask for, but we had awesome help yesterday. As my brother-in-law said, that was the quickest and most effective move I’ve ever been part off, despite it this time being between two different cities (1,5h to load, 1,5h to unload). In fact, I think that because it went to quickly, everybody even stayed behind to help us put all the furniture back together. I absolutely love and adore my friends and family as of yesterday.
It’s funny how one thing that works for one person, is expected to work for another. Or, that if one person doesn’t get it, the whole idea is silly. I can never understand why we all do that.
Let’s, for example, take this whole thing about getting a personal trainer, just to give an example of something that isn’t a matter of life and death. This is something I really want as I don’t always have the motivation to actually do the things I need/want to do. Many, it seems, don’t get what the point is to pay someone quite a lot of money just to get bossed around. I rather think of it as a more personalised (and granted, more expensive) form of group training where the training leader actually forms its training according to ones own needs, instead of according to a groups’ needs. At least let me try it, before judging it, and especially don’t judge it because I want to try something other than that which fits your point of view about what’s unnecessary and pointless. We are not the same.
Let’s take another example, where the consequences are a little bit more serious, like choosing to take pills to help me stabilise my mood swings. Why do I have to defend my choice in taking these when you know nothing about my needs and difficulties, when you know nothing about how I for years have been struggling to deal with it on my own? Again, we are not the same.
I can think of so many more examples, and that’s what makes me so sad, because in the process of having to (feeling like one has to) defend oneself from being judged by others is why so many conform and make choices that don’t necessarily fit them personally.
Now, I don’t mean that one should never discuss the how’s and why’s of a decision that’s about to be made, but that’s the key word, isn’t it; a discussion, to help the decision maker to make a choice, where the the discussion partner, without judgement, gives constructive thoughts and perspectives.
I think I’ve been spoiled by my parents, because no matter what choices I made in life, they barely ever judged me, they let me make my mistakes and learn from them. They let me become my own person, without having to conform to that which has been right and correct for them. I hope, that if I ever get children, that I will never give them reason to doubt themselves, or try to make them conform to my concepts of right and wrong.
Basically; guys, leave your judgements outside the door, before entering my little space of reflection. At least if you want me to value or listen to anything you have to say.
Update: It seems I’m not the only one (although I never thought I was) who thinks its better to not listen to the norm, just because that glove fits for others.
I don’t even know where to start or what to reflect over. Starting to think that time of from work is just now my thing. It gives me too much time to think, and it makes me feel totally useless.
I can’t sleep (fell asleep at 4.30 this morning) and I’ve spent half the day crying and feeling useless, and the other feeling ok, but feeling like I’m a joke, a pretender trying to be something I’m not.
The one good thing that did come out of today is that feeling completely inadequate makes me want to run (n attempt to running away from myself I guess), so I did. The endorphins that it gets going helps as well of course, even if it’s only for a little while.
I know, it sounds horrible, but I want way to get out of this predicament that I’ve put myself into, and all the promises I’ve made, with the project, my job, my life. What a mess.
I really shouldn’t be talking or thinking this way, I know it will just make it worse, but it’s so so heavy right now, I don’t know how to carry this weight of inadequacy. It’s always about the feeling of inadequacy, isn’t it? I keep wanting to better than I am. When I’m happy, it’s a rush, because everything feels possible, and I feel amazing because I feel I truly am that person that I want to be, because anything else would be inadequate. When I’m depressed, I AM inadequate, and I’m a joke for thinking anything. I just sit amongst the mess I’ve created when thinking that I could actually create something, or be something. It’s a fallen and broken statue that couldn’t hold up to the pressures of all the hope and promises that it promised.
I need to get out, and stop trying so hard to reach the stars. When will I learn?