Category Archives: kudos

Truth or dare (or maybe a bit of both?)

Funny thing I’ve read; apparently there’s one thing that the American “extreme left” and the American extreme right have in common, they are both the ones to more often than others to decide to not have a TV, which I thought was pretty funny (I’d be what Americans call extreme left, and what Swedes call center).

None the less, that’s not what I wanted to write about today. I actually found out something else as well you see. I work with caregivers (pretty natural since I think they’re so important), and a part of my job is to help and support people who indirectly work with caregivers so that the working environment can become better, and so caregivers can be more relaxed. This sometimes means being part of personnel trainings, of which I’ve been busy with the past two days. Having worked with the the teacher (the inofficial caregiver expert of Sweden) before, we have gotten to know each other quite well, and when I told her that I wished to write a book about the importance of caregivers and family, and how I, as a highly functional bipolar person has been able to do so well, without having to gone down a downward spiral that often seems to be the case. She got intrigued, and thought it an important thing to write about. She also told me about a group of people who called themselves the 95’ers because they considered themselves 95% healthy.

After having talked her, I again thought that this is a challenge I really need to finish, and talking with her I remembered what my original idea was, and how I should move forward. Most of all though, I realised that I really needed to speak more openly about this, so that I can continue getting more ideas and get advice along the way that could be useful. The book is after all supposed to be a collection of my own experiences, and what I’ve found out through research and I can never properly do that if I keep it as my little secret.

Basically, I need to dare to say openly about the fact that yes, I want to write a book and stand for it, instead of feeling self conscious because I think it might sound silly to others, or because people might think that it’s a manic thing (or worse, that it is a manic thing and I’ve ended up talking about, only to never finish it.)

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No tv

As I’ve me filmed before in the blog, I (we) haven’t owned a tv for some years now (not sure how many, but I’m guessing it’s some three years or so), and it’s without a doubt one of the better choices that we’ve ever made. In my case I’d come to the point that I felt like as if all I get did was watch tv (did a test online to see hos much t. I watched, and it was way too much to say the least) and realising that if I’m ever going to stop watching it, I’d have to go cold turkey (yes, the damned tv was a drug). After a trip in London, where there was no access to tv my husband thought it would be a good idea as well and we jumped at the opening that meant we both agreed (a feat by itself let me tell you!), and chucked the tv into the storage room (in case we decided that we would miss it too much).

The most immediate thing we noticed was that we all of a sudden had the flexibility of rearranging our furniture however we wanted, instead of around that damned tv. I think we’ve rearranged the furniture about once a year (at least) after that, making it a bit of a joke among our friends that they’re half expecting the apartment to look a little different each time they come. I loved the freedom of it!

There were of course some other effects as well. As I mentioned, watching tv had become a drug to me. More so in fact, than smoking. It was my pacifier, and it couldn’t be more obvious than when I realised that I was getting irritative and moody because I had no idea how to relax without it. All of a sudden I needed to use my brain (reading), or actually make an effort (finding a hobbie) and I didn’t know how to deal. Pretty bad. I got so restless I signed myself up for everything I thought might be interesting. Politics, non-profit organisation, personal projects, you name it (at the same time as I was working part time and studying for my bachelor degree by the way). Good thing? I was finally doing something with my life. Bad thing? My manias is what at times kept me going. It was a good thing that I didn’t have a 9-5 job at that time.

Whatever the stages I was going through was however, I never regretted getting rid of that damned tv.

I have to admit though, I never properly went cold turkey though, as I continued watching series online, and watching them at a level that probably wasn’t healthy either. Note the past tense though, because for some reason or other, that pacifier is seemingly getting fazed out as well, and I’m glad, because that was pretty pacifying as well.

For those of you that are a little curious about the “totally crazy” life of life without a tv (a not very uncommon reaction to us not having a tv by the way), read the article on “8 changes I experienced after giving up tv”. I don’t agree with no 7, but considering how similar the rest of the experiences are to my own, I think that maybe it’s time for society to rethink how we spend our days.

since we’re on the subject of change…

For about 2 years now, B and I have written a New Years letter that we send out to friends and family that we have an e-mail address to (which, since Facebook became the way to communicate, isn’t as many as I wish it was). While many have chosen to to use the New Years letter to reflect of the past year however, B and I chose to focus a little more on the coming year, as a way of looking forward, rather than looking back. After moving to this apartment however, I’ve noticed a major strength in writing the New Years letter the way we do; it makes our hopes for the coming year more tangible, more definite. Without meaning to, I’ve noticed how we for the last years have been checking things off of our New Years letter as the year goes by. Pretty cool how that works.

Relax? What is this word?

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Today is the first day since moving to Malmo that I can just sit and relax, without feeling like there’s something I need to take care of. My knee is also better and the sun is shining. It’s all good! I am however very tired, and very badly in need for some rest. So badly in fact, that there’s a serious risk that I might be falling into a depression soon if I don’t get some rest. The question is, how does one relax? It’s never been anything I’ve ever been good at. Relaxing means brainless activity (ie watching series) but I really wanted to stay away from watching them as much as possible, because I know how passive I get from doing so. Instead of relaxing I basically get stuck feeling bored and uninterested in doing anything other than just sitting and watching series. In fact, I figured that I should take advantage of this feeling of change and leave bad habits behind me, in Helsingborg (for as long as possible, as I said).

As I write the above I got an sms from my hubby wondering if I wanted to meet him and a few acquaintances at a bar not too far. I went there, hung out a bit and left before I started feeling more out of place than I usually do in that crowd. Nice crowd, but they’re B’s crowd. On the way home I passed a sceptics club who I knew was hanging out at another bar and as I still hadn’t had dinner at this point I joined them, had dinner, and then went home. Which is where I am now. So, I ended up having a pleasant evening, relaxed, but did something. I think I just figured it out!

New place, awesome friends

Wow, I hadn’t realised how long my last post was. Because I write my blogposts using my phone, I don’t really get a feel for how much I’m writing! There’s more to be said as well (I guess there’s a reason for why I want to write a book about it), but since I was going to try and avoid writing super long posts like the last one I am, as you’ve surely noticed, trying to divide it up as best as possible, and in my own speed, meaning that the explanations and descriptions won’t come right after one another. So, you can breath out because I’m way too worn out today to talk deep.

Why you ask? Because we’ve finally moved to our new apartment! Whatever training I missed out because of my being sick, I think I regained during the move. By the time we went to bed our feet were killing us and our legs were weak. As I told B, being on our feet almost all day like we did, reminded me of the days I worked as a waitress, and how good it felt to come home and put the pressure of my feet. Nowadays B and I both have office jobs, so our feet are just not used to it anymore.

Today, my shoulders also feel like I’ve had the most effective training one can ask for, but we had awesome help yesterday. As my brother-in-law said, that was the quickest and most effective move I’ve ever been part off, despite it this time being between two different cities (1,5h to load, 1,5h to unload). In fact, I think that because it went to quickly, everybody even stayed behind to help us put all the furniture back together. I absolutely love and adore my friends and family as of yesterday.

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Glad that I dared

Not really in the mood to reflect today, but I can say one thing. I’m very glad I shared my mental issues with my boss, no secrets, and we can boss speak lightly in matters surrounding it, because we know where we have each other.

Like today I was telling him that I had started a converation with another boss to get something that him and I had been talking about started and mentioned that I might have left it a little badly though, and he asked me why I thought so. I mumbled that I might have been a little bossy in the e-mail and his reply was (with a smile I might add) “är du igång nu igen?”. Which meant that we could smile a little about it, while letting him know where I’m at, at the moment. Very nice.

Tomorrow I double my dosage again, so halfway to the goal (200g/day by wednesday next week).

Content

Or rather, content with life, discontent with myself.

Content with life because, well, it’s good. I count myself as extremely lucky with the man that married, with the parents that bore me, and the life that made me. I’m not that bad looking, I’m driven, and I have people who help and support me. My job is great, my future is bright, and my possibilities are endless.

I’m impressed with myself if many ways, and although I’m strong considering, I want to be stronger. My highest wish right now is to get a regular thing going with my training, and that I stop eating so much. I need to learn that I feel great from training, and aweful from eating so much. Food is great, yes, and there’s a lot of it to enjoy, but it’s there to sustain me, not to run me. As for training, yes, it may be hard to find the motivations at times, but it’s not like I’ve ever regretted it. Next time I get the munchies I should train instead. If it’s twice in one day, I can do sit ups, or push ups, lunges, plank or squats.