Category Archives: friendship

All the possible letter combinations

So apparantly I’m manic again. Having followed through with my moods app, and based on my posts here I can see why my psychiatrist is getting unsure of my diagnosis as bipolar.

If I haven’t misunderstood it the cycles are at least a week long when bipolar, and that’s when it’s “rapid cycling”. When they change the way they do for me with only a couple of days in between, and sometimes even changing during the same day, it must be either add (attention deficit disorder) or bpd (borderline personality disorder), no? (Ah, all these wonderful little letter combinations).

On top of being extremely frustrated over what’s actually going on with me and my head when I thought that I at least knew what was “wrong” with me, my husbands just figured out that too much excitement (ie too many fun activities) makes me manic. Take yesterday for example, I had a good day just hanging out with my new friend and then in the evening we went to a free concert at the nearby park. Apparently that’s more excitement than my brain can handle. So I have to choose my joys, and spontaneous activities (like the concert yesterday was) when having already done something that day is apparently out of the question. It’s so frustrating I just want put up my arms and surrender. Never has the spoon theory been more accurate. I just never thought it was true with the highs as well.

Hubby’s amazing for seeing this situation as an “us” thing though. In his eyes this is something we will figure out together and something that we will learn how to live with, but it saddens me that he has to get affected by this almost as much as me when I’m the one with the messed up head.

Finally meeting my psychiatrist today though, so maybe I can ginally get some more answers… No idea how 45 min is going to be enough though.

That thin red line

So at what point is one “stalking” a new friend? Where’s the limit between being too careful, and wanting to hang out too much? I’ve always figured that whatever feels natural is the right way to go, but since I’m all over the place (but in the balanced) with what my “normal” is, I’m don’t trust my instincts.

Meh, I’ll just have to do what’s natural for me, and hopefully the new friends I make can accept it as it is. I really have to stop thinking about it and be confident enough to not doubt my own being.

The strength of having friends

It’s remarkable what a difference a friend can make. I had forgotten how good they were to have. For the past few years I feel like I’ve had to rely on myself, my hubby, and my parents, with no real outer connections that I felt I could rely on. Not to say that I haven’t had friends, but everybody’s been so busy with their own thing (which is fine, that’s life after all, I guess), that I haven’t felt like I’ve had any true friends that I felt comfortable with just calling out of the blue unless I had big plans that gathered all of them, and where they all had about a month to plan ahead. I’ve been hungering for a sense of belonging. It’s why I’ve missed my home town so much.

It’s a little different now. I still miss my friends back home, because they’ve been around so long, and I can rely on them, and I belong, while these new ones are, well, new. Lets see how long this feeling of belonging lasts.

Either way, I’m getting to meet some of them next week on ones of these planned “events”, and at the end of the month I’m meeting the rest of them in my home town. Very much looking forward to it.

unstable, with doubt

My wordpress account is plotting against me! …or I was more tired than I thought yesterday and didn’t finish things up as I thought I had. Oh well. It needs to be taken care of on the computer, and based on the last post I decided that it was high time for me to shut down my laptop and put it aside (it’s usually running all the time, meaning that all I need to do is open the screen and then start getting pacified). This actually works because I have the patience of a 3 year old so I can never be bothered to wait for it to actually start, so I end up doing something else. Quite sad actually, but I guess I at some level understand that it’s not worth the 2 minute wait (which it of course isn’t as all I do is stream series on it).

Anyway, I’ve noticed something today. I think I finally understand why I get so irritative when very happy. I’m basically so protective over this good mood that I have that I just don’t have the patience for anything or anyone who I see as a threat to a happiness I’m desperately holding on to. Basically I’m saying “fuck off, I’m not interested” to any kind of humour or remarks that might threaten my good (and most probably slightly manic) mood.

Before coming to this realisation however, I was having what should’ve been a pleasant evening with a friend. I was in a good mood when meeting up with my friend, despite having a day that was so-so, thanks to me finally being able to jog home from work again. I also have had a good evening, but it was coloured by the fact that half way through the evening, I was finding myself doubting myself and wondering what possible friendship this amazing girl was sitting and I could possibility have. I felt myself talking too much (I just couldn’t seem to shut up) and I was sure I saw her getting bored as I was talking. I ended up spending more time wondering about that, rather than listening to her as she was speaking, making it close to impossible to follow what she was telling me.

As we parted ways I had the kind of nervous and tense happiness that is so common for my “highs”, that I got the aforementioned defensiveness of my happy stage. Glad B was pretty relaxed when I got home, so I got the chance to normalise a bit. At least get rid of that tense happy feeling that nothing good comes out of. Still feeling a little manic-y since I don’t want to go to sleep, and feeling physically tense, like I’m ready to jump of my seat any second, but at least I’m not trying to protect some sense of undefinable happiness.

Finally, my psychiatrist seems to be wondering if I might be misdiagnosed because the medication isn’t doing what it should. I agree that the medication is doing a better job of keeping me away from alcohol than balancing out my moods (although staying away from alcohol isn’t such a bad thing), but I’m almost sure that the other option, at least according to her, is “borderline personality disorder“, which my family and I all agree doesn’t seem to quite fit. I mean, as is usually the case, it’s easy to find tendencies from most any diagnose out there, but that’s just it. BPD just feels like grasping at straws. Anybody out there who’s got it?

Another change is needed

I’m starting to think that I talk to much. Well, actually, I already knew that, and made an effort to correct that, but it seems I’ve forgotten that little piece of knowledge. Or rather, I have to get better at not having to try to dive into a conversation with everyone that comments on my blog or twitter. I do this because I’m curious and I love discussing and analysing everything together with someone else, because I feel that that’s the best way to learn and understand, but I’m starting to think that people just get bored or feel like the discussion is going around in circles. I dunno how to find a balance here…

Round and round we go!

For as long as I can remember it’s been important to me not to have to rely on anyone, need anyone. I’ve always prided myself in being just fine even if I didn’t have friends. I mean, yes I would get lonely, but at least I was strong. Also, because I never wanted to get hurt by potential friends, and because I felt like most people couldn’t be trusted, and the ones I did call friends came and went in my life, I never put too much heart into those friendships. The way some people don’t dare put their heart on the line and thus don’t really give their all into a relationship, I stopped giving my all into potential friendships.

This thing with me being so honest is also some kind of self-defense mechanism I think. Although I think it’s good to be honest, I don’t think there’s a need to do an information dump on people. Basically, I think like most people who are afraid of getting hurt, they are a little wary, and then when they do open up, it becomes some kind of desperate “here’s my soul!” and just go a little overboard. Then if the person doesn’t become a friend, it just becomes proof of that I just don’t work well with friends. Silly circle that. It’s a also the reason why I like talking with strangers who I know (or at least think) that I will never meet again. I can bare my soul, just like they can to me, without (as I mentioned before) there being any pretences that it’s ever going to be anything more than that. Maybe that’s what one night stands are for some people?

Huh, never thought about it that way.

Anyway, despite having said all that, I do feel like my relationship to the people around has changed and gotten more balanced (even if a little trickle of information turns into a flood more often I would like) since my moods stabilised a little. More than before, I’ve dared to say something like “hey that’s an awesome idea, maybe something we can do next time” rather than not saying anything, because I’m afraid that really, in their heads, they’re thinking “not interesting”, and by not saying anything I’m giving them a way out if they want it, basically meaning that by waiting for people to prove that they don’t actually want to be a friend, I also don’t give anyone a chance to actually be my friend, because I (unconsciously) end up not give any sign of interest myself.

Whew, that was a long sentence, but you get the point. It just goes round and round, and gets more and more complicated, until I just make myself dizzy with contradictory thoughts and behaviours.

I guess what I mean is, I’ve found that I’m a little less dizzy now a days, making it a little easier to see a little clearer. I think.