Category Archives: family

Multiple personality

My mother would correct me for saying so but generally, the Indian caste system can be divided into 5levels:
1. brahman (priest)
2. kshatriya (soldiers)
3. vaishya (merchants)
4. shudra (they do not include them selves in hindus) and
5. harijan (untouchables)
There are of course different levels within each, just like the economic standing people have in society. You’re not just under class, middle class or higher class. People can be more or less poor, more or less middle class, more or less higher class. In the same way people have different standing in the caste system, and the also within each “level”.

Anyway, I’ve figured out that I have three basic levels, or personalities (as I call them because I can barely remember how I felt during these various states if mind). When I mentioned this to my husband, his answer was “more!”, so I’m guessing it’s the various degrees within these “personalities”. For the past 1 1/2 weeks I’ve been completely stable. Not that I haven’t gotten sad, happy, or angry, but I haven’t been flying between feeling total sadness, or total anger, or total happiness. It’s a more “normal” level of reaction to various situations, and it’s not over the top when I do react.

So, there are 3 basic levels: manic, depressive, and peaceful. Right now I’m at peace. I have a kind of understanding to my surroundings, everything isn’t about what’s going on in my head, or how I feel, or what I want to do. It sounds so selfish now, but it makes sense to me then.

Anyway, right now I’m happy and at peace, so now is when hubby gets some love and appreciation for all the other stuff he has to deal with. I think these are the times that makes it worth it for him, even if I think he on some level likes that he gets three different personalities packed into one body. 😉

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All the possible letter combinations

So apparantly I’m manic again. Having followed through with my moods app, and based on my posts here I can see why my psychiatrist is getting unsure of my diagnosis as bipolar.

If I haven’t misunderstood it the cycles are at least a week long when bipolar, and that’s when it’s “rapid cycling”. When they change the way they do for me with only a couple of days in between, and sometimes even changing during the same day, it must be either add (attention deficit disorder) or bpd (borderline personality disorder), no? (Ah, all these wonderful little letter combinations).

On top of being extremely frustrated over what’s actually going on with me and my head when I thought that I at least knew what was “wrong” with me, my husbands just figured out that too much excitement (ie too many fun activities) makes me manic. Take yesterday for example, I had a good day just hanging out with my new friend and then in the evening we went to a free concert at the nearby park. Apparently that’s more excitement than my brain can handle. So I have to choose my joys, and spontaneous activities (like the concert yesterday was) when having already done something that day is apparently out of the question. It’s so frustrating I just want put up my arms and surrender. Never has the spoon theory been more accurate. I just never thought it was true with the highs as well.

Hubby’s amazing for seeing this situation as an “us” thing though. In his eyes this is something we will figure out together and something that we will learn how to live with, but it saddens me that he has to get affected by this almost as much as me when I’m the one with the messed up head.

Finally meeting my psychiatrist today though, so maybe I can ginally get some more answers… No idea how 45 min is going to be enough though.

The strength of having friends

It’s remarkable what a difference a friend can make. I had forgotten how good they were to have. For the past few years I feel like I’ve had to rely on myself, my hubby, and my parents, with no real outer connections that I felt I could rely on. Not to say that I haven’t had friends, but everybody’s been so busy with their own thing (which is fine, that’s life after all, I guess), that I haven’t felt like I’ve had any true friends that I felt comfortable with just calling out of the blue unless I had big plans that gathered all of them, and where they all had about a month to plan ahead. I’ve been hungering for a sense of belonging. It’s why I’ve missed my home town so much.

It’s a little different now. I still miss my friends back home, because they’ve been around so long, and I can rely on them, and I belong, while these new ones are, well, new. Lets see how long this feeling of belonging lasts.

Either way, I’m getting to meet some of them next week on ones of these planned “events”, and at the end of the month I’m meeting the rest of them in my home town. Very much looking forward to it.

For better or worse

Found a good link through a fellow bipolar blogger, on how to manage being married to a bipolar person.

90% of marriages where one is bipolar, end in separation. That’s a pretty scary statistic. I wonder who it is that most often leaves? The bipolar person, because they get restless/feel guilty/get too depressed, or the spouse because they just can’t cope with being with a bipolar anymore? And I wonder how long the average marriage is?seuss wierd

Not safe for the feint hearted

I have just not been in the zone this week. Ever since I realised that this blog had turned into an online diary I just haven’t found the motivation to write anything at all. Today I just started feeling guilty so I thought I’d make myself write something. This something is about something I’ve been wanting to write about since I first saw people linking to the article where Stephen Fry come out in the open regarding his suicide attempt last year. It’s such a sensitive subject however, and not something that most people feel comfortable talking about, that I just wasn’t sure how to bring it up). How does one react to someone expressing something like that? How does the depressed person bring up something like that? Below is my experience with it, and to be honest, this is probably one of the hardest things for me to talk about because although I’m very open about my mental state, this is not a subject I bring up with anyone.

For many years I used to have a black book where I could just vent. This was extremely private, and whenever my husband saw me writing in it, he knew something was up, but he never read it (which I truly respect him for). A few weeks back I finally let him read it with the warning that there will be a lot of stuff in there that might make him angry or upset. He sat there on the floor (the position he was in when he found it, as we were unpacking boxes after having just moved in) for what felt like forever. Funny thing is, I was so worried about what he would say about the stuff I had written about him, that I hadn’t considered some of the other stuff that he might react to.

What he ended up reacting to vas vastly different and something that is such a big part of my reality that I hadn’t even considered it.

Here’s a sad little fact; I think about suicide in some forn every week. I keep it to myself, because there’s so much that can set it off, and it usually passes, just like my volatile mood swings. As such, I don’t place that much value into it. Sometimes it gets overwhelming and that’s when I write or hurt myself (hasn’t happened for a while). Another sad little fact: People say that it takes strength to live on. I say (and from what I’ve read in Depression comix) it takes strength to do the deed. So basically, I’m too chicken. I still haven’t figured out a quick and easy way of doing it, so it’s never come to that point. I guess I just haven’t wanted it badly enough, because it always comes down to what the consequences of surviving a suicide attempt would be like.

Don’t know how reliable of a source WIkipedia in on this matter, but a little something about being bipolar type 2: “Studies have identified major differences between bipolar I and bipolar II in regards to their clinical features, comorbidity rates and family histories. According to Baek et al. (2011), during depressive episodes, bipolar II patients tend to show higher rates of psychomotor agitation, guilt, shame, suicide ideation, and suicide attempts” (suicide ideation; check). I believe it. When I had a “regular” depression I was in a dark place constantly. True, I was miserable, but it was nothing compared to the constant swings that I experience last year.

So here’s another sad little fact; I honestly think that if I’d lived in the US, I would be dead by now, thanks to their messed up gun laws (guess what a majority of death by guns are a result of?).

Anyway, yes this is a very depressing post. Heavy for most, most of all to my family that will read this. But it just wouldn’t be right to write about being bipolar, without also bringing up this subject
as well. In my case, yes it’s probably not a good sign that I think about it at some point every week, but honestly, it’s not as bad as it sounds, because like I said: it passes, and this blog post isn’t about gathering pity points (expressing pity is the worst thing anyone can do to me I think), or to invoke other feelings of sadness directed towards me (second worst thing anyone can do to me), but simply to inform. It’s nothing that can be cured, I think, but rather a piece of a puzzle that no one will really wants to bring up. In my case, I don’t want to bring anyone down to my level, because I wouldn’t wish that on anyone (especially not people I care about.

So yes, a depressing subject which I’m sorry for. But at least I can promise you that I’m not there right now!

Yes I’m strange

I’m bored of the turn this blog has taken. It’s become an open diary rather than an honest reflection of what’s it’s like to be bipolar. I need to step back and figure out how to move forward before I write more. Maybe I should do something like my hubby; have specific subjects for specific days. Another idea is to have specific days for sitting down and doing a little writing on the book, which might in turn effect what I wrote here. Or maybe a mix of both.

Planning has for as long as I can remember been a very big part of my being in the past. As a kid I found summer vacations so boring that I would sit and plan how I was going to spend my days when school started again. It would become something like
7.00 wake up
7.15 shower
7.45 get dressed
8.00 breakfast
etc

If there was one thing I loved about boarding school, it was the routines they’d set up for us. Maybe a reaction to my very free-thinking parents who never punished me and never made me do anything. They never just left me to fend for myself, always made sure I was going ok, and did their best to be there for me when I wanted to talk (I knew when to take my chances as well; when my mum was taking a bath, and when my dad was driving), but I had a lot of freedom, which ironically (hope I’m using that word right now), made me structure my days even more.

Growing my need for structure showed itself in lists. My husband would tease me and say I’d make lists about making lists. When I have too much freedom I make lists so I don’t get passive, and when I have a lot of things I find interesting going on, I schedule.

Probably a good quality to have as a bipolar person.

Since getting the job though, my lists and schedules are basically non-existent. I send myself an e-mail sometimes when I realise there’s something I really shouldn’t forget so each time I go through my personal inbox (about 2x/week) I get reminded.

But now, because there’s a lot of things I want to do again, it may be time I start making a list again so that I can schedule it all out.