90% of marriages where one is bipolar, end in separation. That’s a pretty scary statistic. I wonder who it is that most often leaves? The bipolar person, because they get restless/feel guilty/get too depressed, or the spouse because they just can’t cope with being with a bipolar anymore? And I wonder how long the average marriage is?
I have truly reached the stage of effectiveness. I’m writing more than one post in one go, because I have so many thoughts about the matter, meaning that I have more than one post ready for posting. It also means that I’ve gotten things done, and finally started on the projects that I’ve been thinking about during the so called “resting period” and I’ve scheduled in how I’m going to have time for these. Pity that I know that this period won’t last, so in a few weeks I’ll either just dismiss the plans and blame it on how bored I am of the routine, or just feel like there’s no point. Who know what the reason will be, but I’m being effective now, and just like all the other times, I feel like this time I’ve figured out a way to make it all work. If nothing else, I’ve at least gotten a little further along all my plans before the next dip. I just hope it takes a little more than a week until then (lately it seems I have one week of effectivity and a few weeks ineffectively, so they’re not really balancing each other out, but one can always hope!
The things that’ve been going on in the background and which I now can actually put some of my attention towards: starting a refugee home with a couple of friends, attempting to build on a concept that exists in San Francisco (possibly trying to franchise it, we’ll see what the maker of the concept says about it), continuing with my book, doing an online course on public speaking, start reading something (alternating between fiction with non fiction as I finish them. at least that’s the plan), finding out if I can finish up my masters, and researching the possibilities of starting my own company as a consultant.
I think I’m manic.
Good thing I’ve made a routine, or I’d get really stressed out and attempt to do all of this at once (man I wish I didn’t have a job I have to go to during these periods).
I started writing this four days ago and have been struggling with it since. Because of motivation…
As is typical for me, I have an idea I think has potential only to loose interest after awhile, meaning that I also loose the motivation to actually follow through on it. I can’t really say that I don’t have anything to write about because I’ve listed a few ideas for the days when I happen to lack creativity. I guess it’s because I know that I’m a bit flaky thanks to my moods. I guess everyone has such periods, but it seems to me that truly everything becomes a long term project for me. It’s typical for bipolars isn’t it? Lots of ideas, difficult to follow through.
Funny how my boss (whom will no longer be my boss when I come back from vacation), just yesterday, was praising me for a job well done and mentioned that seeing my projects through was one of my strengths. I guess it’s all about using ones “issues” to ones advantage. Basically bipolar enough to come with ideas and projects (and with a boss that lets me do so), combined with just enough outer pressure to get it done.
In regards to the book, I guess I I should let it take it’s time, and then ones I’ve written a few chapters see if anyone would be interested in taking it on? That way I get some outer pressure. Don’t know if that’s even a possibility. It’s an idea anyway, like most of them are.
There are three things I care more about than anything else;
- achieving happiness
- the discussion and reflection of social norms
- animal rights
No 1 is my goal in life
No 2 is my challenge
No 3 is my sorrow
My twitter feed is constantly making me face and reevaluate my own norms and so one of the things I’ve started doing to critically be able to see how media depicts women and men, I’ve started switching the genders or the sexual orientation of the people that I’m reading or the pictures that I’m looking. Try it, is be surprised if you don’t start reflecting just a little more.
Another good little test that’s been made on this subject:
Funny thing I’ve read; apparently there’s one thing that the American “extreme left” and the American extreme right have in common, they are both the ones to more often than others to decide to not have a TV, which I thought was pretty funny (I’d be what Americans call extreme left, and what Swedes call center).
None the less, that’s not what I wanted to write about today. I actually found out something else as well you see. I work with caregivers (pretty natural since I think they’re so important), and a part of my job is to help and support people who indirectly work with caregivers so that the working environment can become better, and so caregivers can be more relaxed. This sometimes means being part of personnel trainings, of which I’ve been busy with the past two days. Having worked with the the teacher (the inofficial caregiver expert of Sweden) before, we have gotten to know each other quite well, and when I told her that I wished to write a book about the importance of caregivers and family, and how I, as a highly functional bipolar person has been able to do so well, without having to gone down a downward spiral that often seems to be the case. She got intrigued, and thought it an important thing to write about. She also told me about a group of people who called themselves the 95’ers because they considered themselves 95% healthy.
After having talked her, I again thought that this is a challenge I really need to finish, and talking with her I remembered what my original idea was, and how I should move forward. Most of all though, I realised that I really needed to speak more openly about this, so that I can continue getting more ideas and get advice along the way that could be useful. The book is after all supposed to be a collection of my own experiences, and what I’ve found out through research and I can never properly do that if I keep it as my little secret.
Basically, I need to dare to say openly about the fact that yes, I want to write a book and stand for it, instead of feeling self conscious because I think it might sound silly to others, or because people might think that it’s a manic thing (or worse, that it is a manic thing and I’ve ended up talking about, only to never finish it.)
As I’ve me filmed before in the blog, I (we) haven’t owned a tv for some years now (not sure how many, but I’m guessing it’s some three years or so), and it’s without a doubt one of the better choices that we’ve ever made. In my case I’d come to the point that I felt like as if all I get did was watch tv (did a test online to see hos much t. I watched, and it was way too much to say the least) and realising that if I’m ever going to stop watching it, I’d have to go cold turkey (yes, the damned tv was a drug). After a trip in London, where there was no access to tv my husband thought it would be a good idea as well and we jumped at the opening that meant we both agreed (a feat by itself let me tell you!), and chucked the tv into the storage room (in case we decided that we would miss it too much).
The most immediate thing we noticed was that we all of a sudden had the flexibility of rearranging our furniture however we wanted, instead of around that damned tv. I think we’ve rearranged the furniture about once a year (at least) after that, making it a bit of a joke among our friends that they’re half expecting the apartment to look a little different each time they come. I loved the freedom of it!
There were of course some other effects as well. As I mentioned, watching tv had become a drug to me. More so in fact, than smoking. It was my pacifier, and it couldn’t be more obvious than when I realised that I was getting irritative and moody because I had no idea how to relax without it. All of a sudden I needed to use my brain (reading), or actually make an effort (finding a hobbie) and I didn’t know how to deal. Pretty bad. I got so restless I signed myself up for everything I thought might be interesting. Politics, non-profit organisation, personal projects, you name it (at the same time as I was working part time and studying for my bachelor degree by the way). Good thing? I was finally doing something with my life. Bad thing? My manias is what at times kept me going. It was a good thing that I didn’t have a 9-5 job at that time.
Whatever the stages I was going through was however, I never regretted getting rid of that damned tv.
I have to admit though, I never properly went cold turkey though, as I continued watching series online, and watching them at a level that probably wasn’t healthy either. Note the past tense though, because for some reason or other, that pacifier is seemingly getting fazed out as well, and I’m glad, because that was pretty pacifying as well.
For those of you that are a little curious about the “totally crazy” life of life without a tv (a not very uncommon reaction to us not having a tv by the way), read the article on “8 changes I experienced after giving up tv”. I don’t agree with no 7, but considering how similar the rest of the experiences are to my own, I think that maybe it’s time for society to rethink how we spend our days.
Today is not a good day. Was supposed to run in the morning before work (I really need to get started with this if I’m to the Malmö mile in two weeks) but I just couldn’t get up. I just kept snoozing for as long as possible to finally get out of bed two hours and that was just thanks to my boss and I having a meeting. Then I thought, maybe I can go home after that meeting, but looked at the calendar and realised I’ve got two other things I need to be at work for.
Gods am I tired today. Have been for the past few days. I thought at first that it was stress, but more and more I’m thinking that it’s all in my head. Having to go to work isn’t in itself what stresses me out. In some ways it’s good because it gets me out of bed and gives me routine to my days which is so important for people like me, but today I really want a day off from all my responsibilities, and I really regret signing up for the Malmö mile, feels like it took the fun out of running because now it’s “have to” which I don’t like because I’m nowhere close to feeling like I’m physically ready for it.