If you’ve ever been heart broken, you know how it feels to be depressed, except in the case depression, it’s just there. It’s my own head that’s causing the heart break, not really giving me a chance to get some space, or get some temporary distractions with other brains.
Well… I guess I’m getting a temporary distraction when I get manic (if that is what it is), but that’s just like getting a passionate one night stand with that guy one’s had a crush on in forever, filled with false hopes, only to wake up alone the next day.
At least bad taste in men and bad relationships is a (admittedly difficult) habit that one can work on. How does one deal with this ever ending cycle when it’s not a bad habit, but ones hard wiring?
Crazy thing is I’d rather have a feeling of perpetual heart break rather than getting a night of passion filled with false hopes. I managed years of just being having some kind of lighter depression with bouts of heavier periods. At least it was constant. Living with no hope was better than this. Everything has to be better than this.
So tired and I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve messed up my sleeping habits and am super tired as a result of that as well.
I guess I’m doing what so many say after a heart break; “never again! I’d rather be single!”.
I seem to have averaged out again. At least the mental beating is done with. Remarkable how the mind works; how, for a couple of days, the brain decides to put itself through a beating only to come out of it after as if nothing’s happened. Other than the mental scrapes and bruises that’d occur after any physical beating as well, everything’s back to normal and I feel fine. Very strange.
I’m building friendships and I have a family that loves me. Good thing, because it’s thanks to all of them that I can get on my feet again. I’m still exhausted and I feel like I’ve carried weights all day, but things don’t feel quite as heavy and dark anyway.
For the past few days I’ve been feeling very unimpressed by my life… Hmm that’s probably the wrong way to put it. I mean that I’m not liking the person I’ve been the past few days. I’m eating too much, I’ve lost good habits, I’m not spontaneous enough, I’m uninvolved at work, I’m tired, I’m bored.
I guess the correct sentence is that I’m unimpressed by me.
Hmm.. Maybe that’s not quite true either…
Something in my environment is making me feel like I’m not good enough as is, as well as me not treating my body quite well enough.
Anyway, I’m having motivational issues because I just can’t seem to gather enough “fun-happy-joy” feelings to actually do something productive. Just the thought of it makes me tired, making me inactive, making me sleepy.
Bad circle that.
Well I sort of got a day of peace yesterday. We ended up leaving our travelling bag in the train when we went to B’s parents’ place which was annoying, but a result of being as forgetful and all-over-the-place person as I am, linked with having moved a lot during my whole life, I don’t put that much value into material things. Honestly, the only thing that made me freak out was that my mood pills was in that bags, as that would leave me having to restart the whole process of taking the pills. Back to 25mg and up to 200mg in 5 weeks. Seeing as how I felt the past few days, and how asexual it felt, I just couldn’t bear to go back to fluctuating the way I’d done the past half year, even for just a few weeks. Luckily, I found just enough tablets to last me a one-night stay, which is what this was.
So, besides those pills, it’s no big deal, even of its highly annoying. The rest of the day was quite calm, touching up the old apartment in the attempt to make it sellable, having lunch at the old cafe/bistro we love and miss, and a very quiet evening with the in-laws (when the whole family isn’t gathered its like coming to the summer house get-away). I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow when we got there and I slept like a baby when we settled in for the night.
Wish I had one more day to enjoy the weekend!
I’m actually feeling nauseous from the way my head is spinning. I don’t know what’s going on in my head though. The best way to describe is that all the emotions and thoughts are spinning around so much that I don’t even get the chance to properly feel or think anything, also making it difficult to focus on anything. I guess that’s the reason why I’m writing again despite me already having written once for the day. It’s the only way to focus.
That’s actually what finally got me to fall asleep yesterday/this morning; I started thinking about how I needed a creative output to focus and distract my brain. I can’t really draw (never had the patience to perfect the art) and making music isn’t my thing. I wrote poems as a teenager but I don’t have that in me anymore (not that they were any good anyway). The only thing left was to write, and I really want to write a book. The only thing is that I’m so tired of everything being about me. As soon as I write anything it becomes an autobiography, or about my thoughts. I want to write about something completely different, to focus my brain away from the shit in my head, and trying to find what that other thing could be is what helped me to sleep, I think. It was hard as hell to focus but by having a focal point to turn back to every time my head tried to sprint, I could distract my brain enough to give it a chance to be still for long enough that I could fall asleep.
I hope today will be a quiet day. At least externally, because I won’t be internally.
Better today, but knowing that I dot really have a weekend to look forward to (in the sense that I can’t just sit back and not have any obligations or responsibilities), is kind of stressing me out. Oh well, tonight I can relax with a friend and Friday evening I got no obligations. Next Thursday is also a national holiday.
Ah, remembering the above makes me feel better. I guess my problem is that I’ve forgotten to focus on the good, instead of the rest.