Category Archives: medication


Met my psych. A couple of days ago and we both agree that I in fact most probably have borderline personality disorder (BPD), or also known as emotionally unstable disorder. But, because jumping between diagnoses is never a good idea, we’re first going to see this diagnosis of being bipolar through before moving on to the next, which means that we’ve upped the dosage.

Apparently, dialectic behaviour therapy is the way to go with BPD, and apparently there have been cases where people get completely cured of BPD thanks that form of therapy. If that is true I’m really hoping that that’s what I have even though I don’t really enjoy the thought of going through therapy.


All the possible letter combinations

So apparantly I’m manic again. Having followed through with my moods app, and based on my posts here I can see why my psychiatrist is getting unsure of my diagnosis as bipolar.

If I haven’t misunderstood it the cycles are at least a week long when bipolar, and that’s when it’s “rapid cycling”. When they change the way they do for me with only a couple of days in between, and sometimes even changing during the same day, it must be either add (attention deficit disorder) or bpd (borderline personality disorder), no? (Ah, all these wonderful little letter combinations).

On top of being extremely frustrated over what’s actually going on with me and my head when I thought that I at least knew what was “wrong” with me, my husbands just figured out that too much excitement (ie too many fun activities) makes me manic. Take yesterday for example, I had a good day just hanging out with my new friend and then in the evening we went to a free concert at the nearby park. Apparently that’s more excitement than my brain can handle. So I have to choose my joys, and spontaneous activities (like the concert yesterday was) when having already done something that day is apparently out of the question. It’s so frustrating I just want put up my arms and surrender. Never has the spoon theory been more accurate. I just never thought it was true with the highs as well.

Hubby’s amazing for seeing this situation as an “us” thing though. In his eyes this is something we will figure out together and something that we will learn how to live with, but it saddens me that he has to get affected by this almost as much as me when I’m the one with the messed up head.

Finally meeting my psychiatrist today though, so maybe I can ginally get some more answers… No idea how 45 min is going to be enough though.

unstable, with doubt

My wordpress account is plotting against me! …or I was more tired than I thought yesterday and didn’t finish things up as I thought I had. Oh well. It needs to be taken care of on the computer, and based on the last post I decided that it was high time for me to shut down my laptop and put it aside (it’s usually running all the time, meaning that all I need to do is open the screen and then start getting pacified). This actually works because I have the patience of a 3 year old so I can never be bothered to wait for it to actually start, so I end up doing something else. Quite sad actually, but I guess I at some level understand that it’s not worth the 2 minute wait (which it of course isn’t as all I do is stream series on it).

Anyway, I’ve noticed something today. I think I finally understand why I get so irritative when very happy. I’m basically so protective over this good mood that I have that I just don’t have the patience for anything or anyone who I see as a threat to a happiness I’m desperately holding on to. Basically I’m saying “fuck off, I’m not interested” to any kind of humour or remarks that might threaten my good (and most probably slightly manic) mood.

Before coming to this realisation however, I was having what should’ve been a pleasant evening with a friend. I was in a good mood when meeting up with my friend, despite having a day that was so-so, thanks to me finally being able to jog home from work again. I also have had a good evening, but it was coloured by the fact that half way through the evening, I was finding myself doubting myself and wondering what possible friendship this amazing girl was sitting and I could possibility have. I felt myself talking too much (I just couldn’t seem to shut up) and I was sure I saw her getting bored as I was talking. I ended up spending more time wondering about that, rather than listening to her as she was speaking, making it close to impossible to follow what she was telling me.

As we parted ways I had the kind of nervous and tense happiness that is so common for my “highs”, that I got the aforementioned defensiveness of my happy stage. Glad B was pretty relaxed when I got home, so I got the chance to normalise a bit. At least get rid of that tense happy feeling that nothing good comes out of. Still feeling a little manic-y since I don’t want to go to sleep, and feeling physically tense, like I’m ready to jump of my seat any second, but at least I’m not trying to protect some sense of undefinable happiness.

Finally, my psychiatrist seems to be wondering if I might be misdiagnosed because the medication isn’t doing what it should. I agree that the medication is doing a better job of keeping me away from alcohol than balancing out my moods (although staying away from alcohol isn’t such a bad thing), but I’m almost sure that the other option, at least according to her, is “borderline personality disorder“, which my family and I all agree doesn’t seem to quite fit. I mean, as is usually the case, it’s easy to find tendencies from most any diagnose out there, but that’s just it. BPD just feels like grasping at straws. Anybody out there who’s got it?

One stage takes a step back, and makes room for another

I’ve reached my effective stage again. Finally. It’s been too long. Well, it feels like it’s been too long. The past two weeks I’ve done stuff, so not completely pacified, but all I’ve really done is sit in front of either my iPad or computer watching Buffy (an old favourite of mine) and not much else. If it hadn’t been for the housewarming party three weekends ago, and the dinner party a week ago, I really would’ve done nothing I think. I think that maybe those were the things that made sure that I didn’t fall into a depression because complete pacification is for me the fastest ticket to depression. I’ve even enjoyed the activities I have had, so can’t say I’ve been depressed. Maybe it was just the resting period between parties? The parties ensured that I didn’t want to do much else, but they also ensured that I was kept content.

My person I know, who has highs and lows just like me (but not at the same level, or the same type) explains it as an effective period and a resting resting period. Nice way of thinking about it, but more and more I’m starting to think that how one perceives the highs and lows are greatly effected by the level of each/how intensively bipolar one is/what type of bipolarity one has. Choose one, cuz I haven’t made up my mind. Maybe it’s something else. I only know that for me, it’s not about periods of being more effective and then resting in between. To some level, yes, but it’s so much more. It’s being so manic that I feel constantly stressed and irritated. The only thing that helps is to force myself to let go and breath, which is close to impossible if someone else doesn’t make it clear for me before it’s gotten to far. It’s being so depressed that I feel absolutely good for nothing and so stupefied that I’m scared of taking any steps forward or backwards. The only thing that gets me through these are responsibilities that I can’t just shirk from (work), even if all I want to do is cry.

These two are extremes that I haven’t felt since starting my medications, and it’s nothing I want to experience again. Now a days it just might be as above person describes it; periods of being more or less effective, with resting periods in between, but yeah, that’s with medication and a really good support system. Left to it’s own devices, these extremes would just start a downward spiral that would just get more and more difficult to get out of, I think. At least, that’s how a doctor described it to me, and it was that knowledge that made me realise that I’d come to the point that I needed some extra help. Knowledge is power over one self, and a helping hand in achieving (at least to some degree of) self acknowledgement. At least, this is the case for me.

In true diary form

Well I sort of got a day of peace yesterday. We ended up leaving our travelling bag in the train when we went to B’s parents’ place which was annoying, but a result of being as forgetful and all-over-the-place person as I am, linked with having moved a lot during my whole life, I don’t put that much value into material things. Honestly, the only thing that made me freak out was that my mood pills was in that bags, as that would leave me having to restart the whole process of taking the pills. Back to 25mg and up to 200mg in 5 weeks. Seeing as how I felt the past few days, and how asexual it felt, I just couldn’t bear to go back to fluctuating the way I’d done the past half year, even for just a few weeks. Luckily, I found just enough tablets to last me a one-night stay, which is what this was.

So, besides those pills, it’s no big deal, even of its highly annoying. The rest of the day was quite calm, touching up the old apartment in the attempt to make it sellable, having lunch at the old cafe/bistro we love and miss, and a very quiet evening with the in-laws (when the whole family isn’t gathered its like coming to the summer house get-away). I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow when we got there and I slept like a baby when we settled in for the night.

Wish I had one more day to enjoy the weekend!

why all this talk of pills?

I had a discussion yesterday with a woman I’ve for a while now thought to be bipolar, just like me (as in got it, but can learn to deal with it as long as worldly matters don’t get way too stressful. The difference is, this woman is just starting to open up to the idea that she could have some kind of psychological issues. She comes from a culture where medication, in either it’s ayurvedic or scientific form, is the answer to most ails. She also asked me what the name of the pills I’m taking is, as she might be interested in taking them, and thought immediately about the post I wrote a few days ago; pills won’t have it’s intended effect, if just taken on it’s own. What they do is make it simpler to take the necessary steps to check ones moods. Take more, and I think one would just end up getting numb, having difficulty in feeling anything at all, which I’m not sure is much better. But that’s me. I’m sure that many out there just don’t have the choice but take that amount to manage.

Anyway, that wasn’t what I was thinking about writing about today, but it seems that whatever it was I intended to write about today has completely slipped my mind! ‘TIll next time.

Spring time!

The winter jacket has been replaced the thinnest “jacket” I got, which I end up using only for the morning chill on my way to work. What a difference it makes to my mood that it’s getting warmer again. The mornings don’t feel quite as evil as they have during the dark and arduous winter days… It’s obvious by the way friends seem more open to meeting up and doing things that everyone has more energy (or maybe it’s me that’s takes more initiative?), that I’m not the only one who thinks that the coming days are the best days of the years!

I did something that I promised myself that I would do last summer, just to challenge myself, and to give myself a goal for the training; I signed up for the one-mile run next month. Maybe not big deal for most runners out there, but considering that I could barely run 100 meters just last summer, and the fact that I can run 7 km now (at least, if my body is in exactly the right mood), tells me that I’ve come quite far. These are the kinds of things I have to remember to give myself some kudo points for, which is also the reason for why I have a category in the top menu called “kudos”. It’s hard to remember these kind of things when I feel like I don’t do anything with myself, and that all of us are pretty awesome for doing what we do, despite the shit that goes on in our heads that can make us feel so alone. At least that’s what I tell myself, when I feel pretty good about life, like I’ve been doing the past few days. Maybe it’s the pills making stabilising me, who knows.

You know, going through all the blog posts I’ve written I’ve noticed three things.
1) Since taking the pills I have been hopefully attributing my good days to the pills. Hoping that the pills are the reason for my good moods, and not an oncoming mania.
2) I was extremely manic last half year, it’s no wonder I finally decided that I needed get medicated.
3) I seem to have gotten this idea that I somehow am healed, or figured out how to stabilise myself, but reading through the posts, and seeing how I’ve been for the past half year I don’t see how that could be. Was my theory that I would be doing so much worse if I hadn’t used the little tricks that I’ve learnt over the years? It’s hard to believe, seeing as I feel so stable now a days *for whatever reasons), that it seems exhausting to always be swinging back and forth the way I did not so long ago.