Category Archives: manic

All the possible letter combinations

So apparantly I’m manic again. Having followed through with my moods app, and based on my posts here I can see why my psychiatrist is getting unsure of my diagnosis as bipolar.

If I haven’t misunderstood it the cycles are at least a week long when bipolar, and that’s when it’s “rapid cycling”. When they change the way they do for me with only a couple of days in between, and sometimes even changing during the same day, it must be either add (attention deficit disorder) or bpd (borderline personality disorder), no? (Ah, all these wonderful little letter combinations).

On top of being extremely frustrated over what’s actually going on with me and my head when I thought that I at least knew what was “wrong” with me, my husbands just figured out that too much excitement (ie too many fun activities) makes me manic. Take yesterday for example, I had a good day just hanging out with my new friend and then in the evening we went to a free concert at the nearby park. Apparently that’s more excitement than my brain can handle. So I have to choose my joys, and spontaneous activities (like the concert yesterday was) when having already done something that day is apparently out of the question. It’s so frustrating I just want put up my arms and surrender. Never has the spoon theory been more accurate. I just never thought it was true with the highs as well.

Hubby’s amazing for seeing this situation as an “us” thing though. In his eyes this is something we will figure out together and something that we will learn how to live with, but it saddens me that he has to get affected by this almost as much as me when I’m the one with the messed up head.

Finally meeting my psychiatrist today though, so maybe I can ginally get some more answers… No idea how 45 min is going to be enough though.

What’s being manic to you?

I’ve found a difficulty with having a mood journal like iMoodJournal. I mean the layout is perfect, it’s easy to use, and because it only takes a few seconds to do, there’s no excuse to not quickly tap what mood one is in. (With the moods in descending order being: insanely great, great, very good, good, okay, so-so, meh, bad, very bad, couldn’t be worse).

But here’s my problem: I never get to the point of being insanely great, I can feel insane, or great, but never the two together. What I call manic is feeling tense all over like (as I described yesterday) I’m about to jump out of seat at any moment), my heart is about to beat out of my chest/feeling an enormous tension in my chest, speedy talking, shakes, and not being able to think straight because my brain is on high drive. It’s not exactly a great feeling. As a result, I’m never manic (according to iMoodJournal that is).

And maybe I’m not. All I know is that I’m feeling very tense and constrained. Like I need to do something and everything is possible. And it’s not a nice feeling because of all the above mentioned symptoms.

These are the times I need to meditate.

unstable, with doubt

My wordpress account is plotting against me! …or I was more tired than I thought yesterday and didn’t finish things up as I thought I had. Oh well. It needs to be taken care of on the computer, and based on the last post I decided that it was high time for me to shut down my laptop and put it aside (it’s usually running all the time, meaning that all I need to do is open the screen and then start getting pacified). This actually works because I have the patience of a 3 year old so I can never be bothered to wait for it to actually start, so I end up doing something else. Quite sad actually, but I guess I at some level understand that it’s not worth the 2 minute wait (which it of course isn’t as all I do is stream series on it).

Anyway, I’ve noticed something today. I think I finally understand why I get so irritative when very happy. I’m basically so protective over this good mood that I have that I just don’t have the patience for anything or anyone who I see as a threat to a happiness I’m desperately holding on to. Basically I’m saying “fuck off, I’m not interested” to any kind of humour or remarks that might threaten my good (and most probably slightly manic) mood.

Before coming to this realisation however, I was having what should’ve been a pleasant evening with a friend. I was in a good mood when meeting up with my friend, despite having a day that was so-so, thanks to me finally being able to jog home from work again. I also have had a good evening, but it was coloured by the fact that half way through the evening, I was finding myself doubting myself and wondering what possible friendship this amazing girl was sitting and I could possibility have. I felt myself talking too much (I just couldn’t seem to shut up) and I was sure I saw her getting bored as I was talking. I ended up spending more time wondering about that, rather than listening to her as she was speaking, making it close to impossible to follow what she was telling me.

As we parted ways I had the kind of nervous and tense happiness that is so common for my “highs”, that I got the aforementioned defensiveness of my happy stage. Glad B was pretty relaxed when I got home, so I got the chance to normalise a bit. At least get rid of that tense happy feeling that nothing good comes out of. Still feeling a little manic-y since I don’t want to go to sleep, and feeling physically tense, like I’m ready to jump of my seat any second, but at least I’m not trying to protect some sense of undefinable happiness.

Finally, my psychiatrist seems to be wondering if I might be misdiagnosed because the medication isn’t doing what it should. I agree that the medication is doing a better job of keeping me away from alcohol than balancing out my moods (although staying away from alcohol isn’t such a bad thing), but I’m almost sure that the other option, at least according to her, is “borderline personality disorder“, which my family and I all agree doesn’t seem to quite fit. I mean, as is usually the case, it’s easy to find tendencies from most any diagnose out there, but that’s just it. BPD just feels like grasping at straws. Anybody out there who’s got it?

the key is to schedule

I have truly reached the stage of effectiveness. I’m writing more than one post in one go, because I have so many thoughts about the matter, meaning that I have more than one post ready for posting. It also means that I’ve gotten things done, and finally started on the projects that I’ve been thinking about during the so called “resting period” and I’ve scheduled in how I’m going to have time for these. Pity that I know that this period won’t last, so in a few weeks I’ll either just dismiss the plans and blame it on how bored I am of the routine, or just feel like there’s no point. Who know what the reason will be, but I’m being effective now, and just like all the other times, I feel like this time I’ve figured out a way to make it all work. If nothing else, I’ve at least gotten a little further along all my plans before the next dip. I just hope it takes a little more than a week until then (lately it seems I have one week of effectivity and a few weeks ineffectively, so they’re not really balancing each other out, but one can always hope!

The things that’ve been going on in the background and which I now can actually put some of my attention towards: starting a refugee home with a couple of friends, attempting to build on a concept that exists in San Francisco (possibly trying to franchise it, we’ll see what the maker of the concept says about it), continuing with my book, doing an online course on public speaking, start reading something (alternating between fiction with non fiction as I finish them. at least that’s the plan), finding out if I can finish up my masters, and researching the possibilities of starting my own company as a consultant.

I think I’m manic.

Good thing I’ve made a routine, or I’d get really stressed out and attempt to do all of this at once (man I wish I didn’t have a job I have to go to during these periods).

One stage takes a step back, and makes room for another

I’ve reached my effective stage again. Finally. It’s been too long. Well, it feels like it’s been too long. The past two weeks I’ve done stuff, so not completely pacified, but all I’ve really done is sit in front of either my iPad or computer watching Buffy (an old favourite of mine) and not much else. If it hadn’t been for the housewarming party three weekends ago, and the dinner party a week ago, I really would’ve done nothing I think. I think that maybe those were the things that made sure that I didn’t fall into a depression because complete pacification is for me the fastest ticket to depression. I’ve even enjoyed the activities I have had, so can’t say I’ve been depressed. Maybe it was just the resting period between parties? The parties ensured that I didn’t want to do much else, but they also ensured that I was kept content.

My person I know, who has highs and lows just like me (but not at the same level, or the same type) explains it as an effective period and a resting resting period. Nice way of thinking about it, but more and more I’m starting to think that how one perceives the highs and lows are greatly effected by the level of each/how intensively bipolar one is/what type of bipolarity one has. Choose one, cuz I haven’t made up my mind. Maybe it’s something else. I only know that for me, it’s not about periods of being more effective and then resting in between. To some level, yes, but it’s so much more. It’s being so manic that I feel constantly stressed and irritated. The only thing that helps is to force myself to let go and breath, which is close to impossible if someone else doesn’t make it clear for me before it’s gotten to far. It’s being so depressed that I feel absolutely good for nothing and so stupefied that I’m scared of taking any steps forward or backwards. The only thing that gets me through these are responsibilities that I can’t just shirk from (work), even if all I want to do is cry.

These two are extremes that I haven’t felt since starting my medications, and it’s nothing I want to experience again. Now a days it just might be as above person describes it; periods of being more or less effective, with resting periods in between, but yeah, that’s with medication and a really good support system. Left to it’s own devices, these extremes would just start a downward spiral that would just get more and more difficult to get out of, I think. At least, that’s how a doctor described it to me, and it was that knowledge that made me realise that I’d come to the point that I needed some extra help. Knowledge is power over one self, and a helping hand in achieving (at least to some degree of) self acknowledgement. At least, this is the case for me.

Joy!

I’ve been extremely emotional these past few days. Emotional in the sense that everything puts tears in my eyes. Frustration of course, but mostly it’s happy tears. I’ve simply felt such joy and ‘at one’ with everything around me. It’s an unusual feeling.

I’m good friends with happy, sad, anger, frustration, mania, contentment… But joy in this sense is just an acquaintance, a friends friend whom I’ve never really had the chance to get to know. I also have no idea where it’s coming from, so I’m guessing it’s some new variant of my bipolarism.

It could of course also be the combination of vacation, and loving my new home and new life in this city. Who knows. Either way it’s a curious feeling. Even a good feeling, if it hadn’t been for it feeling like an over-the-top reaction/behaviour!