Category Archives: irritable

Hello, I’m the Hulk

Haven’t felt this aggressive in who knows how long. I feel like a bomb that’s about to blow and I’m shaking slightly just trying to control it. Why? Because I’m so immensely frustrated right now. I want to drink, I want to smoke, I want to wreak some havoc… It’s like having something in me that’s scratching to come out, pushing to coming out, all the while I have to act at being the “good girl”. It’s like putting a nice pink dress on a wild child that knows no boundaries and asking it to sit and be quiet while the grown ups talk.

Worst part is I have no idea how to feel about it. Part of me just wants to finally let it loose and damn all consequences, while the other knows I shouldn’t. Freud’s superego and id having a go at it (quite physically I might ad) in my head, with one rapidly loosing energy.

God I sound like a crazy person. Maybe I am a crazy person. Ok fine, to be crass I AM a crazy person, but I’m afraid that its getting out of control. Which is itself an enormous frustration, because I want a solution, a fix, something I can do to ease it, like I’ve been doing for years, and what I was hoping for by medicating. How can one control something that’s getting out of control? That sentence is contradictive all on its own.

What’s being manic to you?

I’ve found a difficulty with having a mood journal like iMoodJournal. I mean the layout is perfect, it’s easy to use, and because it only takes a few seconds to do, there’s no excuse to not quickly tap what mood one is in. (With the moods in descending order being: insanely great, great, very good, good, okay, so-so, meh, bad, very bad, couldn’t be worse).

But here’s my problem: I never get to the point of being insanely great, I can feel insane, or great, but never the two together. What I call manic is feeling tense all over like (as I described yesterday) I’m about to jump out of seat at any moment), my heart is about to beat out of my chest/feeling an enormous tension in my chest, speedy talking, shakes, and not being able to think straight because my brain is on high drive. It’s not exactly a great feeling. As a result, I’m never manic (according to iMoodJournal that is).

And maybe I’m not. All I know is that I’m feeling very tense and constrained. Like I need to do something and everything is possible. And it’s not a nice feeling because of all the above mentioned symptoms.

These are the times I need to meditate.

unstable, with doubt

My wordpress account is plotting against me! …or I was more tired than I thought yesterday and didn’t finish things up as I thought I had. Oh well. It needs to be taken care of on the computer, and based on the last post I decided that it was high time for me to shut down my laptop and put it aside (it’s usually running all the time, meaning that all I need to do is open the screen and then start getting pacified). This actually works because I have the patience of a 3 year old so I can never be bothered to wait for it to actually start, so I end up doing something else. Quite sad actually, but I guess I at some level understand that it’s not worth the 2 minute wait (which it of course isn’t as all I do is stream series on it).

Anyway, I’ve noticed something today. I think I finally understand why I get so irritative when very happy. I’m basically so protective over this good mood that I have that I just don’t have the patience for anything or anyone who I see as a threat to a happiness I’m desperately holding on to. Basically I’m saying “fuck off, I’m not interested” to any kind of humour or remarks that might threaten my good (and most probably slightly manic) mood.

Before coming to this realisation however, I was having what should’ve been a pleasant evening with a friend. I was in a good mood when meeting up with my friend, despite having a day that was so-so, thanks to me finally being able to jog home from work again. I also have had a good evening, but it was coloured by the fact that half way through the evening, I was finding myself doubting myself and wondering what possible friendship this amazing girl was sitting and I could possibility have. I felt myself talking too much (I just couldn’t seem to shut up) and I was sure I saw her getting bored as I was talking. I ended up spending more time wondering about that, rather than listening to her as she was speaking, making it close to impossible to follow what she was telling me.

As we parted ways I had the kind of nervous and tense happiness that is so common for my “highs”, that I got the aforementioned defensiveness of my happy stage. Glad B was pretty relaxed when I got home, so I got the chance to normalise a bit. At least get rid of that tense happy feeling that nothing good comes out of. Still feeling a little manic-y since I don’t want to go to sleep, and feeling physically tense, like I’m ready to jump of my seat any second, but at least I’m not trying to protect some sense of undefinable happiness.

Finally, my psychiatrist seems to be wondering if I might be misdiagnosed because the medication isn’t doing what it should. I agree that the medication is doing a better job of keeping me away from alcohol than balancing out my moods (although staying away from alcohol isn’t such a bad thing), but I’m almost sure that the other option, at least according to her, is “borderline personality disorder“, which my family and I all agree doesn’t seem to quite fit. I mean, as is usually the case, it’s easy to find tendencies from most any diagnose out there, but that’s just it. BPD just feels like grasping at straws. Anybody out there who’s got it?

Another change is needed

I’m starting to think that I talk to much. Well, actually, I already knew that, and made an effort to correct that, but it seems I’ve forgotten that little piece of knowledge. Or rather, I have to get better at not having to try to dive into a conversation with everyone that comments on my blog or twitter. I do this because I’m curious and I love discussing and analysing everything together with someone else, because I feel that that’s the best way to learn and understand, but I’m starting to think that people just get bored or feel like the discussion is going around in circles. I dunno how to find a balance here…

One stage takes a step back, and makes room for another

I’ve reached my effective stage again. Finally. It’s been too long. Well, it feels like it’s been too long. The past two weeks I’ve done stuff, so not completely pacified, but all I’ve really done is sit in front of either my iPad or computer watching Buffy (an old favourite of mine) and not much else. If it hadn’t been for the housewarming party three weekends ago, and the dinner party a week ago, I really would’ve done nothing I think. I think that maybe those were the things that made sure that I didn’t fall into a depression because complete pacification is for me the fastest ticket to depression. I’ve even enjoyed the activities I have had, so can’t say I’ve been depressed. Maybe it was just the resting period between parties? The parties ensured that I didn’t want to do much else, but they also ensured that I was kept content.

My person I know, who has highs and lows just like me (but not at the same level, or the same type) explains it as an effective period and a resting resting period. Nice way of thinking about it, but more and more I’m starting to think that how one perceives the highs and lows are greatly effected by the level of each/how intensively bipolar one is/what type of bipolarity one has. Choose one, cuz I haven’t made up my mind. Maybe it’s something else. I only know that for me, it’s not about periods of being more effective and then resting in between. To some level, yes, but it’s so much more. It’s being so manic that I feel constantly stressed and irritated. The only thing that helps is to force myself to let go and breath, which is close to impossible if someone else doesn’t make it clear for me before it’s gotten to far. It’s being so depressed that I feel absolutely good for nothing and so stupefied that I’m scared of taking any steps forward or backwards. The only thing that gets me through these are responsibilities that I can’t just shirk from (work), even if all I want to do is cry.

These two are extremes that I haven’t felt since starting my medications, and it’s nothing I want to experience again. Now a days it just might be as above person describes it; periods of being more or less effective, with resting periods in between, but yeah, that’s with medication and a really good support system. Left to it’s own devices, these extremes would just start a downward spiral that would just get more and more difficult to get out of, I think. At least, that’s how a doctor described it to me, and it was that knowledge that made me realise that I’d come to the point that I needed some extra help. Knowledge is power over one self, and a helping hand in achieving (at least to some degree of) self acknowledgement. At least, this is the case for me.

Hello my name is bullshitter

I remember going to bed last night thinking that I actually did have some reflection or other that I wanted to write about, but being too lazy to do and it “because it was so late” once I got home anyway. The first may have been the truth, but no way was the the second one. Which kind of gets me to today’s topic; I’ve realised that I’m a total bullshitter. I don’t mean to be and it may not to be bullshit right at that time that I say it, but with close to multi-personality thing I’ve got going on with my moods (there are three stages, with variations in between), that which I say is only the truth for so long. If I’d have the same discussion again in another mood (which, lets face it, there’s a high probability of) then there’s a good chance that I’ll say the complete opposite. The reason it becomes such bullshitter warning to it, is that philosophise and have deep discussions and act like I’ve found the answer to all the secrets of the world (which is itself very bullshitter-like). I don’t know, I just feel like I alienate people. Or at least the majority of people. There are people I’ve met who like to speak and philosophise just for the sake of having a good conversation, but they are few and far between. Or maybe I need to learn to get to know people before I get engrossed in those kinds of questions.

I also need to get better at asking questions.