Quite remarkable how a tiny conversation with a stranger about nothing, can pull out of overwhelming darkness to a state more tolerable and manageable. Proves to show what a difference a friendly face can make. I guess that’s why it’s always been so important for me to try to smile and friendly, no matter how I feel inside. More often than not it makes my days more tolerable (ever notice how the action can influence the mood, just as the mood can influence ones actions?), and one never knows what the person one meets is going through so maybe, just maybe, an extra smile has made their day more tolerable as well. I think it’s one of the reasons for why I usually like talking to strangers. We have no prior knowledge of each other, so it makes it easier to, for a moment, pretend.
This time however, I wasn’t quite ready for happiness, so yet again I’ve disappointed myself by not being able to just be constant in my mood. Strange that. Not feeling quite so dark, and being annoyed about it, but disappointment isn’t a very good feeling either.
I’m building friendships and I have a family that loves me. Good thing, because it’s thanks to all of them that I can get on my feet again. I’m still exhausted and I feel like I’ve carried weights all day, but things don’t feel quite as heavy and dark anyway.
I’ve reached my effective stage again. Finally. It’s been too long. Well, it feels like it’s been too long. The past two weeks I’ve done stuff, so not completely pacified, but all I’ve really done is sit in front of either my iPad or computer watching Buffy (an old favourite of mine) and not much else. If it hadn’t been for the housewarming party three weekends ago, and the dinner party a week ago, I really would’ve done nothing I think. I think that maybe those were the things that made sure that I didn’t fall into a depression because complete pacification is for me the fastest ticket to depression. I’ve even enjoyed the activities I have had, so can’t say I’ve been depressed. Maybe it was just the resting period between parties? The parties ensured that I didn’t want to do much else, but they also ensured that I was kept content.
My person I know, who has highs and lows just like me (but not at the same level, or the same type) explains it as an effective period and a resting resting period. Nice way of thinking about it, but more and more I’m starting to think that how one perceives the highs and lows are greatly effected by the level of each/how intensively bipolar one is/what type of bipolarity one has. Choose one, cuz I haven’t made up my mind. Maybe it’s something else. I only know that for me, it’s not about periods of being more effective and then resting in between. To some level, yes, but it’s so much more. It’s being so manic that I feel constantly stressed and irritated. The only thing that helps is to force myself to let go and breath, which is close to impossible if someone else doesn’t make it clear for me before it’s gotten to far. It’s being so depressed that I feel absolutely good for nothing and so stupefied that I’m scared of taking any steps forward or backwards. The only thing that gets me through these are responsibilities that I can’t just shirk from (work), even if all I want to do is cry.
These two are extremes that I haven’t felt since starting my medications, and it’s nothing I want to experience again. Now a days it just might be as above person describes it; periods of being more or less effective, with resting periods in between, but yeah, that’s with medication and a really good support system. Left to it’s own devices, these extremes would just start a downward spiral that would just get more and more difficult to get out of, I think. At least, that’s how a doctor described it to me, and it was that knowledge that made me realise that I’d come to the point that I needed some extra help. Knowledge is power over one self, and a helping hand in achieving (at least to some degree of) self acknowledgement. At least, this is the case for me.
I don’t even know where to start or what to reflect over. Starting to think that time of from work is just now my thing. It gives me too much time to think, and it makes me feel totally useless.
I can’t sleep (fell asleep at 4.30 this morning) and I’ve spent half the day crying and feeling useless, and the other feeling ok, but feeling like I’m a joke, a pretender trying to be something I’m not.
The one good thing that did come out of today is that feeling completely inadequate makes me want to run (n attempt to running away from myself I guess), so I did. The endorphins that it gets going helps as well of course, even if it’s only for a little while.
I know, it sounds horrible, but I want way to get out of this predicament that I’ve put myself into, and all the promises I’ve made, with the project, my job, my life. What a mess.
I really shouldn’t be talking or thinking this way, I know it will just make it worse, but it’s so so heavy right now, I don’t know how to carry this weight of inadequacy. It’s always about the feeling of inadequacy, isn’t it? I keep wanting to better than I am. When I’m happy, it’s a rush, because everything feels possible, and I feel amazing because I feel I truly am that person that I want to be, because anything else would be inadequate. When I’m depressed, I AM inadequate, and I’m a joke for thinking anything. I just sit amongst the mess I’ve created when thinking that I could actually create something, or be something. It’s a fallen and broken statue that couldn’t hold up to the pressures of all the hope and promises that it promised.
I need to get out, and stop trying so hard to reach the stars. When will I learn?