My mother would correct me for saying so but generally, the Indian caste system can be divided into 5levels:
1. brahman (priest)
2. kshatriya (soldiers)
3. vaishya (merchants)
4. shudra (they do not include them selves in hindus) and
5. harijan (untouchables)
There are of course different levels within each, just like the economic standing people have in society. You’re not just under class, middle class or higher class. People can be more or less poor, more or less middle class, more or less higher class. In the same way people have different standing in the caste system, and the also within each “level”.
Anyway, I’ve figured out that I have three basic levels, or personalities (as I call them because I can barely remember how I felt during these various states if mind). When I mentioned this to my husband, his answer was “more!”, so I’m guessing it’s the various degrees within these “personalities”. For the past 1 1/2 weeks I’ve been completely stable. Not that I haven’t gotten sad, happy, or angry, but I haven’t been flying between feeling total sadness, or total anger, or total happiness. It’s a more “normal” level of reaction to various situations, and it’s not over the top when I do react.
So, there are 3 basic levels: manic, depressive, and peaceful. Right now I’m at peace. I have a kind of understanding to my surroundings, everything isn’t about what’s going on in my head, or how I feel, or what I want to do. It sounds so selfish now, but it makes sense to me then.
Anyway, right now I’m happy and at peace, so now is when hubby gets some love and appreciation for all the other stuff he has to deal with. I think these are the times that makes it worth it for him, even if I think he on some level likes that he gets three different personalities packed into one body. 😉
This is horrible. I’m actually in a good mood. Which would be a good thing but I know the feeling of overwhelming heart break that follows and it’s so much worse than having a constant mood of sadness or destruction. Now I have to instead swallow my happiness… Oh wonderful life.
Knock on wood, but I think I’ve finally found a way of training that fits me. Since realising that it was only about 5.5 km home from work, and since running the towns annual 10k run (and actually managing to jog lightly the whole way!) I’ve started running home from work. I’ve only done it a few times but so far I’ve been getting restless in the days between because I’m pining for the next run, and today I was thinking about working from home and then decided against it just because I didn’t want to miss out on a run. This is very new to me, I think. Maybe not (I do have a habit of getting really excited about things only to just drop it because I get bored). None the less, knock on would that I keep enjoying this!
I’ve found a difficulty with having a mood journal like iMoodJournal. I mean the layout is perfect, it’s easy to use, and because it only takes a few seconds to do, there’s no excuse to not quickly tap what mood one is in. (With the moods in descending order being: insanely great, great, very good, good, okay, so-so, meh, bad, very bad, couldn’t be worse).
But here’s my problem: I never get to the point of being insanely great, I can feel insane, or great, but never the two together. What I call manic is feeling tense all over like (as I described yesterday) I’m about to jump out of seat at any moment), my heart is about to beat out of my chest/feeling an enormous tension in my chest, speedy talking, shakes, and not being able to think straight because my brain is on high drive. It’s not exactly a great feeling. As a result, I’m never manic (according to iMoodJournal that is).
And maybe I’m not. All I know is that I’m feeling very tense and constrained. Like I need to do something and everything is possible. And it’s not a nice feeling because of all the above mentioned symptoms.
These are the times I need to meditate.
I have truly reached the stage of effectiveness. I’m writing more than one post in one go, because I have so many thoughts about the matter, meaning that I have more than one post ready for posting. It also means that I’ve gotten things done, and finally started on the projects that I’ve been thinking about during the so called “resting period” and I’ve scheduled in how I’m going to have time for these. Pity that I know that this period won’t last, so in a few weeks I’ll either just dismiss the plans and blame it on how bored I am of the routine, or just feel like there’s no point. Who know what the reason will be, but I’m being effective now, and just like all the other times, I feel like this time I’ve figured out a way to make it all work. If nothing else, I’ve at least gotten a little further along all my plans before the next dip. I just hope it takes a little more than a week until then (lately it seems I have one week of effectivity and a few weeks ineffectively, so they’re not really balancing each other out, but one can always hope!
The things that’ve been going on in the background and which I now can actually put some of my attention towards: starting a refugee home with a couple of friends, attempting to build on a concept that exists in San Francisco (possibly trying to franchise it, we’ll see what the maker of the concept says about it), continuing with my book, doing an online course on public speaking, start reading something (alternating between fiction with non fiction as I finish them. at least that’s the plan), finding out if I can finish up my masters, and researching the possibilities of starting my own company as a consultant.
I think I’m manic.
Good thing I’ve made a routine, or I’d get really stressed out and attempt to do all of this at once (man I wish I didn’t have a job I have to go to during these periods).
I’ve reached my effective stage again. Finally. It’s been too long. Well, it feels like it’s been too long. The past two weeks I’ve done stuff, so not completely pacified, but all I’ve really done is sit in front of either my iPad or computer watching Buffy (an old favourite of mine) and not much else. If it hadn’t been for the housewarming party three weekends ago, and the dinner party a week ago, I really would’ve done nothing I think. I think that maybe those were the things that made sure that I didn’t fall into a depression because complete pacification is for me the fastest ticket to depression. I’ve even enjoyed the activities I have had, so can’t say I’ve been depressed. Maybe it was just the resting period between parties? The parties ensured that I didn’t want to do much else, but they also ensured that I was kept content.
My person I know, who has highs and lows just like me (but not at the same level, or the same type) explains it as an effective period and a resting resting period. Nice way of thinking about it, but more and more I’m starting to think that how one perceives the highs and lows are greatly effected by the level of each/how intensively bipolar one is/what type of bipolarity one has. Choose one, cuz I haven’t made up my mind. Maybe it’s something else. I only know that for me, it’s not about periods of being more effective and then resting in between. To some level, yes, but it’s so much more. It’s being so manic that I feel constantly stressed and irritated. The only thing that helps is to force myself to let go and breath, which is close to impossible if someone else doesn’t make it clear for me before it’s gotten to far. It’s being so depressed that I feel absolutely good for nothing and so stupefied that I’m scared of taking any steps forward or backwards. The only thing that gets me through these are responsibilities that I can’t just shirk from (work), even if all I want to do is cry.
These two are extremes that I haven’t felt since starting my medications, and it’s nothing I want to experience again. Now a days it just might be as above person describes it; periods of being more or less effective, with resting periods in between, but yeah, that’s with medication and a really good support system. Left to it’s own devices, these extremes would just start a downward spiral that would just get more and more difficult to get out of, I think. At least, that’s how a doctor described it to me, and it was that knowledge that made me realise that I’d come to the point that I needed some extra help. Knowledge is power over one self, and a helping hand in achieving (at least to some degree of) self acknowledgement. At least, this is the case for me.
I’ve been extremely emotional these past few days. Emotional in the sense that everything puts tears in my eyes. Frustration of course, but mostly it’s happy tears. I’ve simply felt such joy and ‘at one’ with everything around me. It’s an unusual feeling.
I’m good friends with happy, sad, anger, frustration, mania, contentment… But joy in this sense is just an acquaintance, a friends friend whom I’ve never really had the chance to get to know. I also have no idea where it’s coming from, so I’m guessing it’s some new variant of my bipolarism.
It could of course also be the combination of vacation, and loving my new home and new life in this city. Who knows. Either way it’s a curious feeling. Even a good feeling, if it hadn’t been for it feeling like an over-the-top reaction/behaviour!