Category Archives: doubt

unstable, with doubt

My wordpress account is plotting against me! …or I was more tired than I thought yesterday and didn’t finish things up as I thought I had. Oh well. It needs to be taken care of on the computer, and based on the last post I decided that it was high time for me to shut down my laptop and put it aside (it’s usually running all the time, meaning that all I need to do is open the screen and then start getting pacified). This actually works because I have the patience of a 3 year old so I can never be bothered to wait for it to actually start, so I end up doing something else. Quite sad actually, but I guess I at some level understand that it’s not worth the 2 minute wait (which it of course isn’t as all I do is stream series on it).

Anyway, I’ve noticed something today. I think I finally understand why I get so irritative when very happy. I’m basically so protective over this good mood that I have that I just don’t have the patience for anything or anyone who I see as a threat to a happiness I’m desperately holding on to. Basically I’m saying “fuck off, I’m not interested” to any kind of humour or remarks that might threaten my good (and most probably slightly manic) mood.

Before coming to this realisation however, I was having what should’ve been a pleasant evening with a friend. I was in a good mood when meeting up with my friend, despite having a day that was so-so, thanks to me finally being able to jog home from work again. I also have had a good evening, but it was coloured by the fact that half way through the evening, I was finding myself doubting myself and wondering what possible friendship this amazing girl was sitting and I could possibility have. I felt myself talking too much (I just couldn’t seem to shut up) and I was sure I saw her getting bored as I was talking. I ended up spending more time wondering about that, rather than listening to her as she was speaking, making it close to impossible to follow what she was telling me.

As we parted ways I had the kind of nervous and tense happiness that is so common for my “highs”, that I got the aforementioned defensiveness of my happy stage. Glad B was pretty relaxed when I got home, so I got the chance to normalise a bit. At least get rid of that tense happy feeling that nothing good comes out of. Still feeling a little manic-y since I don’t want to go to sleep, and feeling physically tense, like I’m ready to jump of my seat any second, but at least I’m not trying to protect some sense of undefinable happiness.

Finally, my psychiatrist seems to be wondering if I might be misdiagnosed because the medication isn’t doing what it should. I agree that the medication is doing a better job of keeping me away from alcohol than balancing out my moods (although staying away from alcohol isn’t such a bad thing), but I’m almost sure that the other option, at least according to her, is “borderline personality disorder“, which my family and I all agree doesn’t seem to quite fit. I mean, as is usually the case, it’s easy to find tendencies from most any diagnose out there, but that’s just it. BPD just feels like grasping at straws. Anybody out there who’s got it?

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Another change is needed

I’m starting to think that I talk to much. Well, actually, I already knew that, and made an effort to correct that, but it seems I’ve forgotten that little piece of knowledge. Or rather, I have to get better at not having to try to dive into a conversation with everyone that comments on my blog or twitter. I do this because I’m curious and I love discussing and analysing everything together with someone else, because I feel that that’s the best way to learn and understand, but I’m starting to think that people just get bored or feel like the discussion is going around in circles. I dunno how to find a balance here…

One stage takes a step back, and makes room for another

I’ve reached my effective stage again. Finally. It’s been too long. Well, it feels like it’s been too long. The past two weeks I’ve done stuff, so not completely pacified, but all I’ve really done is sit in front of either my iPad or computer watching Buffy (an old favourite of mine) and not much else. If it hadn’t been for the housewarming party three weekends ago, and the dinner party a week ago, I really would’ve done nothing I think. I think that maybe those were the things that made sure that I didn’t fall into a depression because complete pacification is for me the fastest ticket to depression. I’ve even enjoyed the activities I have had, so can’t say I’ve been depressed. Maybe it was just the resting period between parties? The parties ensured that I didn’t want to do much else, but they also ensured that I was kept content.

My person I know, who has highs and lows just like me (but not at the same level, or the same type) explains it as an effective period and a resting resting period. Nice way of thinking about it, but more and more I’m starting to think that how one perceives the highs and lows are greatly effected by the level of each/how intensively bipolar one is/what type of bipolarity one has. Choose one, cuz I haven’t made up my mind. Maybe it’s something else. I only know that for me, it’s not about periods of being more effective and then resting in between. To some level, yes, but it’s so much more. It’s being so manic that I feel constantly stressed and irritated. The only thing that helps is to force myself to let go and breath, which is close to impossible if someone else doesn’t make it clear for me before it’s gotten to far. It’s being so depressed that I feel absolutely good for nothing and so stupefied that I’m scared of taking any steps forward or backwards. The only thing that gets me through these are responsibilities that I can’t just shirk from (work), even if all I want to do is cry.

These two are extremes that I haven’t felt since starting my medications, and it’s nothing I want to experience again. Now a days it just might be as above person describes it; periods of being more or less effective, with resting periods in between, but yeah, that’s with medication and a really good support system. Left to it’s own devices, these extremes would just start a downward spiral that would just get more and more difficult to get out of, I think. At least, that’s how a doctor described it to me, and it was that knowledge that made me realise that I’d come to the point that I needed some extra help. Knowledge is power over one self, and a helping hand in achieving (at least to some degree of) self acknowledgement. At least, this is the case for me.

Round and round we go!

For as long as I can remember it’s been important to me not to have to rely on anyone, need anyone. I’ve always prided myself in being just fine even if I didn’t have friends. I mean, yes I would get lonely, but at least I was strong. Also, because I never wanted to get hurt by potential friends, and because I felt like most people couldn’t be trusted, and the ones I did call friends came and went in my life, I never put too much heart into those friendships. The way some people don’t dare put their heart on the line and thus don’t really give their all into a relationship, I stopped giving my all into potential friendships.

This thing with me being so honest is also some kind of self-defense mechanism I think. Although I think it’s good to be honest, I don’t think there’s a need to do an information dump on people. Basically, I think like most people who are afraid of getting hurt, they are a little wary, and then when they do open up, it becomes some kind of desperate “here’s my soul!” and just go a little overboard. Then if the person doesn’t become a friend, it just becomes proof of that I just don’t work well with friends. Silly circle that. It’s a also the reason why I like talking with strangers who I know (or at least think) that I will never meet again. I can bare my soul, just like they can to me, without (as I mentioned before) there being any pretences that it’s ever going to be anything more than that. Maybe that’s what one night stands are for some people?

Huh, never thought about it that way.

Anyway, despite having said all that, I do feel like my relationship to the people around has changed and gotten more balanced (even if a little trickle of information turns into a flood more often I would like) since my moods stabilised a little. More than before, I’ve dared to say something like “hey that’s an awesome idea, maybe something we can do next time” rather than not saying anything, because I’m afraid that really, in their heads, they’re thinking “not interesting”, and by not saying anything I’m giving them a way out if they want it, basically meaning that by waiting for people to prove that they don’t actually want to be a friend, I also don’t give anyone a chance to actually be my friend, because I (unconsciously) end up not give any sign of interest myself.

Whew, that was a long sentence, but you get the point. It just goes round and round, and gets more and more complicated, until I just make myself dizzy with contradictory thoughts and behaviours.

I guess what I mean is, I’ve found that I’m a little less dizzy now a days, making it a little easier to see a little clearer. I think.

Oh bed, where art thou?

Today is not a good day. Was supposed to run in the morning before work (I really need to get started with this if I’m to the Malmö mile in two weeks) but I just couldn’t get up. I just kept snoozing for as long as possible to finally get out of bed two hours and that was just thanks to my boss and I having a meeting. Then I thought, maybe I can go home after that meeting, but looked at the calendar and realised I’ve got two other things I need to be at work for.

Gods am I tired today. Have been for the past few days. I thought at first that it was stress, but more and more I’m thinking that it’s all in my head. Having to go to work isn’t in itself what stresses me out. In some ways it’s good because it gets me out of bed and gives me routine to my days which is so important for people like me, but today I really want a day off from all my responsibilities, and I really regret signing up for the Malmö mile, feels like it took the fun out of running because now it’s “have to” which I don’t like because I’m nowhere close to feeling like I’m physically ready for it.

So tired.

Truly, today has been a day of doubt.

Yesterday I went for a so called “skeptikerträff” after work. No drinking, as is the way of things for me now a days (because of the tablets I take), and yet I felt drunk by the end of the evening, and today I have the morning after angst, which usually comes from drinking, as well as the feeling that “that I’m never doing that again!”. The self doubt has kicked in like crazy. Like for example, am I doing the right thing with this project I got going on with my friends?

And I’m feeling like a martyr. Like I’m a martyr, without anywhere to go with my thoughts and feelings. Like I have to defend why I feel the way I do, or am the way I am, instead of just being.

It’s just one of those days I guess. In some ways I know it will pass, but it’s hard to imagine when I feel like this. It feels like all those other feelings of happiness, of contentness, of self belief, or that I’m in a good relationship, whatever, is just me, kidding myself.

There’s so much hope riding on these tablets now, that they’ll cure me of all my problems like some kind of miracle cure.

So frustrated right now, and feeling like I have nowhere to vent the things I think, or the way I feel.

It’s just so…. overwhelming, frustrating, like I just want to scream until this feeling I have comes up and out of my chest. Gods I hate that feeling in my chest.