This is horrible. I’m actually in a good mood. Which would be a good thing but I know the feeling of overwhelming heart break that follows and it’s so much worse than having a constant mood of sadness or destruction. Now I have to instead swallow my happiness… Oh wonderful life.
If you’ve ever been heart broken, you know how it feels to be depressed, except in the case depression, it’s just there. It’s my own head that’s causing the heart break, not really giving me a chance to get some space, or get some temporary distractions with other brains.
Well… I guess I’m getting a temporary distraction when I get manic (if that is what it is), but that’s just like getting a passionate one night stand with that guy one’s had a crush on in forever, filled with false hopes, only to wake up alone the next day.
At least bad taste in men and bad relationships is a (admittedly difficult) habit that one can work on. How does one deal with this ever ending cycle when it’s not a bad habit, but ones hard wiring?
Crazy thing is I’d rather have a feeling of perpetual heart break rather than getting a night of passion filled with false hopes. I managed years of just being having some kind of lighter depression with bouts of heavier periods. At least it was constant. Living with no hope was better than this. Everything has to be better than this.
So tired and I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve messed up my sleeping habits and am super tired as a result of that as well.
I guess I’m doing what so many say after a heart break; “never again! I’d rather be single!”.
I’ve found a difficulty with having a mood journal like iMoodJournal. I mean the layout is perfect, it’s easy to use, and because it only takes a few seconds to do, there’s no excuse to not quickly tap what mood one is in. (With the moods in descending order being: insanely great, great, very good, good, okay, so-so, meh, bad, very bad, couldn’t be worse).
But here’s my problem: I never get to the point of being insanely great, I can feel insane, or great, but never the two together. What I call manic is feeling tense all over like (as I described yesterday) I’m about to jump out of seat at any moment), my heart is about to beat out of my chest/feeling an enormous tension in my chest, speedy talking, shakes, and not being able to think straight because my brain is on high drive. It’s not exactly a great feeling. As a result, I’m never manic (according to iMoodJournal that is).
And maybe I’m not. All I know is that I’m feeling very tense and constrained. Like I need to do something and everything is possible. And it’s not a nice feeling because of all the above mentioned symptoms.
These are the times I need to meditate.
I’m building friendships and I have a family that loves me. Good thing, because it’s thanks to all of them that I can get on my feet again. I’m still exhausted and I feel like I’ve carried weights all day, but things don’t feel quite as heavy and dark anyway.
I’m actually feeling nauseous from the way my head is spinning. I don’t know what’s going on in my head though. The best way to describe is that all the emotions and thoughts are spinning around so much that I don’t even get the chance to properly feel or think anything, also making it difficult to focus on anything. I guess that’s the reason why I’m writing again despite me already having written once for the day. It’s the only way to focus.
That’s actually what finally got me to fall asleep yesterday/this morning; I started thinking about how I needed a creative output to focus and distract my brain. I can’t really draw (never had the patience to perfect the art) and making music isn’t my thing. I wrote poems as a teenager but I don’t have that in me anymore (not that they were any good anyway). The only thing left was to write, and I really want to write a book. The only thing is that I’m so tired of everything being about me. As soon as I write anything it becomes an autobiography, or about my thoughts. I want to write about something completely different, to focus my brain away from the shit in my head, and trying to find what that other thing could be is what helped me to sleep, I think. It was hard as hell to focus but by having a focal point to turn back to every time my head tried to sprint, I could distract my brain enough to give it a chance to be still for long enough that I could fall asleep.
I hope today will be a quiet day. At least externally, because I won’t be internally.
I guess that technically, it’s the next day now, so technically, this is the post for the next day (even if technically, it’s still the one and the same day since it was just a few hours ago I wrote the last post and and I haven’t actually gone to sleep yet. Right there is the problem though. I can’t seem to relax enough to feel like I can call asleep. Why? Because I did everything wrong today. I got overly excited and got swooped up by it. I talked a lot, and I shared too much. I’m still just getting over the fact that I’ve been slightly depressed during the week, so getting manic just means bad news, because it starts a horrible cycle. I need to wind my brain and emotions down a few notches, relax and just breath. I think I’ve forgotten how to breath.
Today is not a good day. Was supposed to run in the morning before work (I really need to get started with this if I’m to the Malmö mile in two weeks) but I just couldn’t get up. I just kept snoozing for as long as possible to finally get out of bed two hours and that was just thanks to my boss and I having a meeting. Then I thought, maybe I can go home after that meeting, but looked at the calendar and realised I’ve got two other things I need to be at work for.
Gods am I tired today. Have been for the past few days. I thought at first that it was stress, but more and more I’m thinking that it’s all in my head. Having to go to work isn’t in itself what stresses me out. In some ways it’s good because it gets me out of bed and gives me routine to my days which is so important for people like me, but today I really want a day off from all my responsibilities, and I really regret signing up for the Malmö mile, feels like it took the fun out of running because now it’s “have to” which I don’t like because I’m nowhere close to feeling like I’m physically ready for it.