Category Archives: Bipolar

Zen

It’s quite a remarkable feeling to feel so at ease with everything. I’ll tell you one thing; being as bipolar or emotionally unstable (whichever one it is) as I am (seemingly unlike most bipolar people I also hate being manic, not just depressed), these periods of peaceful existence, just don’t come around often enough, and when they do, the appreciation I have to having them once a while is indescribable.

Multiple personality

My mother would correct me for saying so but generally, the Indian caste system can be divided into 5levels:
1. brahman (priest)
2. kshatriya (soldiers)
3. vaishya (merchants)
4. shudra (they do not include them selves in hindus) and
5. harijan (untouchables)
There are of course different levels within each, just like the economic standing people have in society. You’re not just under class, middle class or higher class. People can be more or less poor, more or less middle class, more or less higher class. In the same way people have different standing in the caste system, and the also within each “level”.

Anyway, I’ve figured out that I have three basic levels, or personalities (as I call them because I can barely remember how I felt during these various states if mind). When I mentioned this to my husband, his answer was “more!”, so I’m guessing it’s the various degrees within these “personalities”. For the past 1 1/2 weeks I’ve been completely stable. Not that I haven’t gotten sad, happy, or angry, but I haven’t been flying between feeling total sadness, or total anger, or total happiness. It’s a more “normal” level of reaction to various situations, and it’s not over the top when I do react.

So, there are 3 basic levels: manic, depressive, and peaceful. Right now I’m at peace. I have a kind of understanding to my surroundings, everything isn’t about what’s going on in my head, or how I feel, or what I want to do. It sounds so selfish now, but it makes sense to me then.

Anyway, right now I’m happy and at peace, so now is when hubby gets some love and appreciation for all the other stuff he has to deal with. I think these are the times that makes it worth it for him, even if I think he on some level likes that he gets three different personalities packed into one body. 😉

BPD

Met my psych. A couple of days ago and we both agree that I in fact most probably have borderline personality disorder (BPD), or also known as emotionally unstable disorder. But, because jumping between diagnoses is never a good idea, we’re first going to see this diagnosis of being bipolar through before moving on to the next, which means that we’ve upped the dosage.

Apparently, dialectic behaviour therapy is the way to go with BPD, and apparently there have been cases where people get completely cured of BPD thanks that form of therapy. If that is true I’m really hoping that that’s what I have even though I don’t really enjoy the thought of going through therapy.

All the possible letter combinations

So apparantly I’m manic again. Having followed through with my moods app, and based on my posts here I can see why my psychiatrist is getting unsure of my diagnosis as bipolar.

If I haven’t misunderstood it the cycles are at least a week long when bipolar, and that’s when it’s “rapid cycling”. When they change the way they do for me with only a couple of days in between, and sometimes even changing during the same day, it must be either add (attention deficit disorder) or bpd (borderline personality disorder), no? (Ah, all these wonderful little letter combinations).

On top of being extremely frustrated over what’s actually going on with me and my head when I thought that I at least knew what was “wrong” with me, my husbands just figured out that too much excitement (ie too many fun activities) makes me manic. Take yesterday for example, I had a good day just hanging out with my new friend and then in the evening we went to a free concert at the nearby park. Apparently that’s more excitement than my brain can handle. So I have to choose my joys, and spontaneous activities (like the concert yesterday was) when having already done something that day is apparently out of the question. It’s so frustrating I just want put up my arms and surrender. Never has the spoon theory been more accurate. I just never thought it was true with the highs as well.

Hubby’s amazing for seeing this situation as an “us” thing though. In his eyes this is something we will figure out together and something that we will learn how to live with, but it saddens me that he has to get affected by this almost as much as me when I’m the one with the messed up head.

Finally meeting my psychiatrist today though, so maybe I can ginally get some more answers… No idea how 45 min is going to be enough though.

Happy/sad

This is horrible. I’m actually in a good mood. Which would be a good thing but I know the feeling of overwhelming heart break that follows and it’s so much worse than having a constant mood of sadness or destruction. Now I have to instead swallow my happiness… Oh wonderful life.

That thin red line

So at what point is one “stalking” a new friend? Where’s the limit between being too careful, and wanting to hang out too much? I’ve always figured that whatever feels natural is the right way to go, but since I’m all over the place (but in the balanced) with what my “normal” is, I’m don’t trust my instincts.

Meh, I’ll just have to do what’s natural for me, and hopefully the new friends I make can accept it as it is. I really have to stop thinking about it and be confident enough to not doubt my own being.

The strength of having friends

It’s remarkable what a difference a friend can make. I had forgotten how good they were to have. For the past few years I feel like I’ve had to rely on myself, my hubby, and my parents, with no real outer connections that I felt I could rely on. Not to say that I haven’t had friends, but everybody’s been so busy with their own thing (which is fine, that’s life after all, I guess), that I haven’t felt like I’ve had any true friends that I felt comfortable with just calling out of the blue unless I had big plans that gathered all of them, and where they all had about a month to plan ahead. I’ve been hungering for a sense of belonging. It’s why I’ve missed my home town so much.

It’s a little different now. I still miss my friends back home, because they’ve been around so long, and I can rely on them, and I belong, while these new ones are, well, new. Lets see how long this feeling of belonging lasts.

Either way, I’m getting to meet some of them next week on ones of these planned “events”, and at the end of the month I’m meeting the rest of them in my home town. Very much looking forward to it.