Haven’t felt this aggressive in who knows how long. I feel like a bomb that’s about to blow and I’m shaking slightly just trying to control it. Why? Because I’m so immensely frustrated right now. I want to drink, I want to smoke, I want to wreak some havoc… It’s like having something in me that’s scratching to come out, pushing to coming out, all the while I have to act at being the “good girl”. It’s like putting a nice pink dress on a wild child that knows no boundaries and asking it to sit and be quiet while the grown ups talk.
Worst part is I have no idea how to feel about it. Part of me just wants to finally let it loose and damn all consequences, while the other knows I shouldn’t. Freud’s superego and id having a go at it (quite physically I might ad) in my head, with one rapidly loosing energy.
God I sound like a crazy person. Maybe I am a crazy person. Ok fine, to be crass I AM a crazy person, but I’m afraid that its getting out of control. Which is itself an enormous frustration, because I want a solution, a fix, something I can do to ease it, like I’ve been doing for years, and what I was hoping for by medicating. How can one control something that’s getting out of control? That sentence is contradictive all on its own.