I’m actually feeling nauseous from the way my head is spinning. I don’t know what’s going on in my head though. The best way to describe is that all the emotions and thoughts are spinning around so much that I don’t even get the chance to properly feel or think anything, also making it difficult to focus on anything. I guess that’s the reason why I’m writing again despite me already having written once for the day. It’s the only way to focus.
That’s actually what finally got me to fall asleep yesterday/this morning; I started thinking about how I needed a creative output to focus and distract my brain. I can’t really draw (never had the patience to perfect the art) and making music isn’t my thing. I wrote poems as a teenager but I don’t have that in me anymore (not that they were any good anyway). The only thing left was to write, and I really want to write a book. The only thing is that I’m so tired of everything being about me. As soon as I write anything it becomes an autobiography, or about my thoughts. I want to write about something completely different, to focus my brain away from the shit in my head, and trying to find what that other thing could be is what helped me to sleep, I think. It was hard as hell to focus but by having a focal point to turn back to every time my head tried to sprint, I could distract my brain enough to give it a chance to be still for long enough that I could fall asleep.
I hope today will be a quiet day. At least externally, because I won’t be internally.