For as long as I can remember it’s been important to me not to have to rely on anyone, need anyone. I’ve always prided myself in being just fine even if I didn’t have friends. I mean, yes I would get lonely, but at least I was strong. Also, because I never wanted to get hurt by potential friends, and because I felt like most people couldn’t be trusted, and the ones I did call friends came and went in my life, I never put too much heart into those friendships. The way some people don’t dare put their heart on the line and thus don’t really give their all into a relationship, I stopped giving my all into potential friendships.
This thing with me being so honest is also some kind of self-defense mechanism I think. Although I think it’s good to be honest, I don’t think there’s a need to do an information dump on people. Basically, I think like most people who are afraid of getting hurt, they are a little wary, and then when they do open up, it becomes some kind of desperate “here’s my soul!” and just go a little overboard. Then if the person doesn’t become a friend, it just becomes proof of that I just don’t work well with friends. Silly circle that. It’s a also the reason why I like talking with strangers who I know (or at least think) that I will never meet again. I can bare my soul, just like they can to me, without (as I mentioned before) there being any pretences that it’s ever going to be anything more than that. Maybe that’s what one night stands are for some people?
Huh, never thought about it that way.
Anyway, despite having said all that, I do feel like my relationship to the people around has changed and gotten more balanced (even if a little trickle of information turns into a flood more often I would like) since my moods stabilised a little. More than before, I’ve dared to say something like “hey that’s an awesome idea, maybe something we can do next time” rather than not saying anything, because I’m afraid that really, in their heads, they’re thinking “not interesting”, and by not saying anything I’m giving them a way out if they want it, basically meaning that by waiting for people to prove that they don’t actually want to be a friend, I also don’t give anyone a chance to actually be my friend, because I (unconsciously) end up not give any sign of interest myself.
Whew, that was a long sentence, but you get the point. It just goes round and round, and gets more and more complicated, until I just make myself dizzy with contradictory thoughts and behaviours.
I guess what I mean is, I’ve found that I’m a little less dizzy now a days, making it a little easier to see a little clearer. I think.