Triggers

Ok, this thing about finding my triggers.

First of all, a depression is usually not a sadness of the regular kind; a natural consequence to things like a break up, death, etc., where one can say “I’m sad because…”. That means that there usually aren’t any real or tangible reasons for that intense feeling of heartbreak that in the long run numbs the brain and leaves an empty black hole in ones chest (so asking what’s wrong, is completely pointless). At least, that was the case before my manias and depressions started doing 50m relays, and thus not giving me the chance to feel anything but overwhelming joy, or intense heartbreak. Anyway, almost especially because hypomanic emotions are such irrational emotions, knowing what my triggers were became more and more vital as I got older. For example, as most people will tell you, the depressions and the manias feed off of one another. In my case, depression was a reaction to being manic, because being manic used up all my stored up energy. The feeling of intense heartbreak (I think anyway) that ensued was my brains reaction to the loss of all that beauty, joy, hope, and self-confidence that I experienced while manic.

The second preventive step I took was therefor to try and not work myself up. Not always easy as its like telling yourself that you don’t have the right to get too happy and it’s difficult as hell to know where that limit is (besides, if someone would tell you that you’re being manic, they’d just be bores, trying to get you down). B, who’s always been able to read me like a book, noticed after a while that my hands started shaking when I was starting to get manic. There were other telltales as well of course, like speaking faster, having a lot of ideas, etc, but the shakes started about a second before, so if we were observant, I could force myself to slowly breath in and out a few times before continuing up that beloved crazy-train.

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