I don’t even know where to start or what to reflect over. Starting to think that time of from work is just now my thing. It gives me too much time to think, and it makes me feel totally useless.
I can’t sleep (fell asleep at 4.30 this morning) and I’ve spent half the day crying and feeling useless, and the other feeling ok, but feeling like I’m a joke, a pretender trying to be something I’m not.
The one good thing that did come out of today is that feeling completely inadequate makes me want to run (n attempt to running away from myself I guess), so I did. The endorphins that it gets going helps as well of course, even if it’s only for a little while.
I know, it sounds horrible, but I want way to get out of this predicament that I’ve put myself into, and all the promises I’ve made, with the project, my job, my life. What a mess.
I really shouldn’t be talking or thinking this way, I know it will just make it worse, but it’s so so heavy right now, I don’t know how to carry this weight of inadequacy. It’s always about the feeling of inadequacy, isn’t it? I keep wanting to better than I am. When I’m happy, it’s a rush, because everything feels possible, and I feel amazing because I feel I truly am that person that I want to be, because anything else would be inadequate. When I’m depressed, I AM inadequate, and I’m a joke for thinking anything. I just sit amongst the mess I’ve created when thinking that I could actually create something, or be something. It’s a fallen and broken statue that couldn’t hold up to the pressures of all the hope and promises that it promised.
I need to get out, and stop trying so hard to reach the stars. When will I learn?