Yesterday I went for a so called “skeptikerträff” after work. No drinking, as is the way of things for me now a days (because of the tablets I take), and yet I felt drunk by the end of the evening, and today I have the morning after angst, which usually comes from drinking, as well as the feeling that “that I’m never doing that again!”. The self doubt has kicked in like crazy. Like for example, am I doing the right thing with this project I got going on with my friends?
And I’m feeling like a martyr. Like I’m a martyr, without anywhere to go with my thoughts and feelings. Like I have to defend why I feel the way I do, or am the way I am, instead of just being.
It’s just one of those days I guess. In some ways I know it will pass, but it’s hard to imagine when I feel like this. It feels like all those other feelings of happiness, of contentness, of self belief, or that I’m in a good relationship, whatever, is just me, kidding myself.
There’s so much hope riding on these tablets now, that they’ll cure me of all my problems like some kind of miracle cure.
So frustrated right now, and feeling like I have nowhere to vent the things I think, or the way I feel.
It’s just so…. overwhelming, frustrating, like I just want to scream until this feeling I have comes up and out of my chest. Gods I hate that feeling in my chest.