So, even more plans today; The double date with my colleague is planned (next weekend at their place), and the “fika” with the other colleague also planned wednesday next week). On top of that, we found two new prospective apartments in Malmö, and took a look at one of them today, and will be checking out the other tomorrow. The one today was awesome, and very well placed, so I hope we get that one, but none the less, we will be taking a look at the other one as well.
So anyway, how have I been feeling today? It’s quite strange, I feel like I do when I’m manic (you know, happy and like life is pretty awesome), and yet I don’t feel like I am, because my heart isn’t at my throat, and my hands aren’t shaking. I do though, feel like I’m at the verge of being manic, so keep reminding myself to just breath, and not be so worried about the minor mistakes I might make along the way, because it’s human. Maybe that’s the reason I don’t have my heart at my throat and why my hands aren’t shaking; I’m starting to learn how to breath.
One can always hope.
When I told Björn about it today, and said that it’s a little of a new experience, he asked me how I felt about it, and I said good, pleased, but worried about the hit that usually comes right after. Somewhere in the back of my head I always hope that maybe, just maybe, this time I’m somehow I’ve figured out a way to hop off the roller coaster ride, but at the same time I’ve lost all hope for that to happen, so I brace myself. I hate that I can’t just enjoy the happy times for what it is, but at the same time, maybe the knowledge and the breathing, will help me get closer and closer to hop off some day in the future. I am, after all, taking medication now, to stabilise my moods? And I recall that for almost two months when I just moved back from India last year, I felt like I was constantly happy, without feeling manic.
Here’s to hopeful.