I’ve noticed something about myself. Well, it’s not something “new”, but it’s becoming more and more obvious to me how true it actually is; I’m an extremely jealous person. Not so much in the sense that I’m “svartsjuk”, i.e. that I don’t trust Björn when he’s for example talking to girls (even if that has happened once, long ago), but rather “avundsjuk”. What I mean is, that it’s not my heart that’s jealous, but rather my brain. I’m constantly jealous of others’ achievements, even my own husbands’. I want so much with my life, more than I’m starting to think is possible (I always used to think that the sky is the limit), and yet people around me, although they need to work hard for the things they achieve, seem to be “achieving” (not necessarily in monetary terms). They have friends because they enjoy having friends, they work hard because they enjoy doing so or alternatively have worked hard to be able to lead the life that they enjoy, and well, they are achieving their goals, whatever they may be. I have so much sense of purpose I feel like screaming, but the things I’m good at, the things that give me purpose, do not lead towards that life, which I want to achieve, and I don’t know what to change the path I’m on. It’s frustrating to feel such an overpowering and almost overbearing sense of purpose in what I do, when I all I want to do is travel, live free, and make an impact. None of which I will achieve doing the things that I have actually felt good at doing (politics and my present work).
It does give me money though, which I enjoy, which will give me a sense of freedom, I guess, if well-planned. Maybe with the next jobb I get, if it’s well-payed like this one (which I of course hope) and it’s not an acting role of another persons, I can ask for more vacation days or a deal that I will be gone for two months every year?