This has been a truly rough weekend. Started with a manic friday and then went on to be a completely depressive saturday. Sunday started out with my being quite depressed, but became better mid-day and ended with me feeling ready to start working again today, Monday.
It’s tough being like this, because it was the same last weekend, and the soaring and dipping of late makes me wonder how long I can manage going on like this. I ones read a blog by a woman who apparently works as a researcher regarding questions of bipolarism, and is one herself. This woman wrote about how tough it was to keep up the facade of being ‘normal’, and be the best she can be during the weekdays (at work) that her weekends were spent, rather than with friends and enjoying her time off, at home curating her psyche, building herself up again for work on Monday. I probably shouldn’t compare myself to her, seeing as she seems to be so heavily bipolar that she needs medication, but I recognise the feeling none the less.
To be honest, I’m (again) wondering if maybe I should start thinking about getting medication for it (yes I realise the irony of saying that the afore-mentioned researcher probably was heavily bipolar because she was taking medication, only to say that maybe I should get some myself, when I don’t even consider myself such a bad case). I don’t know though, because for one, as I said, I don’t even consider myself a serious case, and if I would start with medication, I’m wondering if I would start a downward cycle, seeing as bipolarism is so easy to wrongly medicated, and if badly medicated, the damage is done and things just get worse. Secondly, I have some very bad experience with psychiatrists. They seem to want to medicate me when I’m not ready for it, and make me feel like it’s all in my head when I am.
Actually, yesterday I talked with Björn about this who, by the way, is convinced that yes, I am bipolar, even if I doubt it myself sometimes, seeing as I seem to somehow manage, albeight sometimes just barely, with the every-days of my life. What do I know. He can probably see it so much clearer from the outside in, especially as I have nothing to compare to, and although I can feel that I’m acting a little over the top sometimes, this is my normal. Maybe I just never learnt how to deal with life, maybe this is just the way I am, maybe I just need to mature… or maybe I am bipolar. I don’t know know. Björn, being as amazing as he is tells me beautiful things like it being a part of me, without which I wouldn’t be who I am, and that he loves me as I am (in much fewer words of course, as he is is the master of short and concise), and I love him for it, but all I know is that soaring and dipping the way I do is tearing me up, and I can’t see myself doing this for 40 more years. That’s what scares me the most I think, and I’m not really sure what the best way to go about dealing with all these flying emotions is.
Yes, I am seriously thinking about turning to a psychiatrist, and Björn has said that he’ll come along for moral support, because I don’t think I can do it without him without getting angry and walking out on the doctor, or getting so badly affected by the visit that I end up cutting myself, or both (like last time). The reason why I can’t make a proper decision about it is that there, as mentioned, two risks with that; They can decide that yes, I do need help, but fuck up my medication and start a downward spiral, or they’ll just feel like this is no big deal which scares me just as bad, because with that news comes the knowledge that there is nothing to be done. The realisations that I’m just going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life.
Another thing I really don’t want to hear is that I should go to group therapy, which I’m really not willing to do, since group therapy is for people who need to talk to others who are in a similar situation, usually because they don’t feel like there’s anyone for them to turn to in their private one, which in my case, couldn’t be further from the truth, making it completely arbitrary. Both the second and third options, thereby only has the outcome of me gathering stones to be able to face a psychiatrist, only to continue on as usual, completely draining me in the process (which is why I need the moral support of Björn).
I can of course, also just go on trying to handle this myself, with the support of Björn and my parents. So far this way of going about it hasn’t wreaked any real havoc in my life, but as mentioned, I’m not sure I can handle 40 more years of this, or how I’m even going to be able to keep up a job, at least a job that I like and at least not without my workplace knowing about my situation, which today, they do not, and I’m not sure I dare share this little piece of news with them. If this continues, I actually feel like I very well may have to give up the notion of ever being a full-time working woman with (somewhat) big dreams, but without that, what am I good for? That’s all I ever wanted with my life and it’s not like I ever wanted to build a family and have children. I don’t even like children! So it comes down to the question: am I making my life harder than necessary by trying to handle this whole thing on my own, instead of just getting the help that might be out there to stabilise my life? If my “gray-zone” bipolarism is the worst it’s ever going to get, then it can just get better, right?
Getting it all in writing, and knowing what I know about the bipolar medications, that just seems like a silly notion though, wishful dreaming at it’s best. But what if there actually is a medicine I can take that will equalise me out, and I get it without the doctors first wreaking havoc on my hormones and brain… then it would be worth it right? That little question, is what, at the end of the day, keeps bringing me back to the psychiatrist, despite my bad experience with them, and what keeps bringing me back to the notion of getting medicated, despite having heard so much bad stuff about it.